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Amy O'Dowd's avatar

After we had baby #3, my husband left full time military service and went to graduate school and then we made the decision for him to go on to a PhD in another country, where we were mostly living on savings and support from family and friends. All that was in a time frame where we thought we would be trying to conceive again. Many things made that feel impractical. Once he was done with that schooling, I suddenly had a moment, speaking to a young mom's group, that I didn't "fit" with that group anymore. I had moved on. It was a very strong sensation that I hadn't felt before. We took that as a sign that we were "done." Fast forward another 6 years to when child #3 was 10 and we had a surprise baby #4. Sometimes you're not the one who determines that you're done!

Christine's avatar

I love that you're discussing nuance in family planning! I always have a hard time explaining my "planning" style to people who just ask flat-out "So, are you done?" Or, after just giving birth to girl #4, "Are you going to try for a boy?" My answer then was "It's too soon!" Ask me in a few months!

Have I ever personally felt like I was "done"? No, and I'm not the kind of person to have strong gut feelings or "signal graces", yet. Our default mode is still "well if/when we have more kids..." and we still orient our lives toward the likelihood of having at least one more (possibly more than one more). But it does shift from "not right now, but probably eventually" to "it wouldn't be the end of the world if we got pregnant right now" to "ready for whatever" and so far it's never gotten past that stage before we did in fact have another.

I'm seeing some other comments about $2000 not being enough or not coming at the right time, etc. and I feel like this is a case where maybe we shouldn't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. BUT we definitely can't let it be an excuse to do nothing else. I don't know all the answers but family-friendly society isn't built on laws and tax incentives alone, a huge part of it is cultural priorities. But you can't legislate a sudden culture change, so here we are. If we can't do a lot, that doesn't mean we should sit back and not even try.

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