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Mary C. Tillotson's avatar

Friction: I intentionally ask for help in areas where it might be weird to ask for help. I've parked my newborn in the hands of strangers at church (I wouldn't have given her to any strangers but I knew these people were regulars at daily Mass), asked the neighbor I didn't know very well if I could borrow a wheelbarrow, welcomed dinner guests by giving them a knife and asking them to chop an onion. My rule is I only ask for things I would be willing to do, and I ask expecting that the person will say yes (not couching it in "I'm so so so sorry to bother you but..."). Because I think those are things that we really do owe each other but there's often a barrier to asking and therefore a barrier to providing. But if I've asked, then the other person feels more comfortable asking me for a similar favor, and that's how I work to build an economy where we're helping each other more and more aware of each other's needs.

I exempt myself from a lot of work when I'm pregnant. I sit and let other people wash the dishes, that sort of thing. For one, this reminds me that the pregnancy itself is meaningful work that I'm doing. It also sets an example for others (pregnant women and those who surround them) that pregnant women should not be expected to run at non-pregnant speeds - to normalize sitting while pregnant, I guess I would say, so pregnant women don't feel that they need to apologize for being tired and sore, and so others realize that they ought to be respectful of how tired and sore pregnant women are (which means expecting that they will sit).

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Elizabeth Burtman's avatar

> When have you used a tool that seemed designed for the benefit of someone other than you, the ostensible end-user?

Maybe this is a controversial opinion, but I think nursing covers can function in this way. It seems to me that they often function more to mitigate others’ discomfort with nursing rather than the mother’s. And of course they don’t always do the baby any favors.

> Are there places where you’ve deliberately added friction to your routine, in order to be more attentive to actions that would otherwise be mindless?

I love the “friction” framing of this. For me, I’m grateful that my current circumstances allow me to practice more attentiveness to our food system and textile industry by cooking, growing, and making some things by hand. Also, I don’t commute anymore, but I feel like I was able to be more attentive to my neighborhood when I rode the bus than when I drove.

Edit because I thought of another thing. When I restrategized and scaled back dramatically on social media use several years ago, I did it with the goal of working harder at the relationships that mattered most to me, rather than being content with the illusion of connection. Not saying I practice this super well today, but it’s an intention I’ve had.

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