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Sarah Hamersma's avatar

Leah, I am doing some research using PRAMS and am connected well with the health economist community who study maternal and infant health. If there's anything I can do to help Michael advocate please let me know.

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Jordan Gandhi's avatar

I served as the medical POA for my late grandmother (and will be likely serving soon for my in-laws). There are so many levels of challenge to this role.

Even if you have a high degree of friendship, often understanding what someone else wants for their end of life care is often unclear unless you have very specific, rather morbid conversations. Not everyone wants those, and so you have to navigate around a lot of feelings even to get the jist of what they’d like. Do you want to be intubated? What if it’s just an infection where you have a 50-50 shot at recovery? Often even in the moment the decisions aren’t easy, if the doctors can even give you statistics like this. The more you can discuss these things, the easier it is to be a medical proxy prepared for different options. It can be hard for someone who is nearing the end of life to have those conversations, so it’s better to address them earlier (like 70-75) and write them down than it is to wait until crisis hits. In CA, the recommended form is a POLST. Working on this document is a good excuse to start these conversations, even if it isn’t very robust itself. Some Catholic medical professionals have expressed concern about the POLST, but having any form is better than none. We noted that decision should be made within a Catholic moral framework. It was helpful to have read (and watched YouTube videos) on the subject. I particularly liked Dr. BJ Miller and Shoshana Berber’s book A Beginner’s Guide to the End. Miller is disabled so it made for a particularly interesting perspective.

Even if you have a wonderful doctor who does a great job explaining things, sometimes it’s not clear in the moment how well the patient understands. The elderly - especially if they have any conditions - reach a level where they function more like tweens. They understand quite a lot and can hold a good conversation, but their executive functioning isn’t so strong. You don’t know when they leave a doctor’s office if they will remember an off-handed comment or the main thing they are supposed to remember. In some ways, that’s harder as you have to navigate experiences with them where you both have different recollections of what took place. You have to maintain a high level of trust, despite a significant degree of often unrecognized memory impairment. Sometimes that means walking with them through a degree of unreality. It’s hard to temper one’s own expectations when this happens. It’s also very hard for anyone to go through these dynamics with a parent.

One thing I have observed in many care situations is that grandchildren often have an easier time than children in processing the dynamics. Because they don’t feel the weight of losing a parent, a grandchild feels less emotionally burdened. After all; their grandparent has always seemed older and closer to death. Impairment or disability feels like a more normal state to a grandchild, where a child still remembers when they depended on the parent for everything. It feels more world-shattering to lose a parent. In some ways, giving medical POA to a grandchild (or to the spouse of a child) can relieve some of the stress off one’s own children.

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