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Magdalen's avatar

I've had quite a bit more experience in issues of elder care and support since you wrote the last post on rewarding caregivers a year ago, and I wish I had better things to say. Instead, I'm left with the impression that it's almost futile to start thinking about better ways of materially supporting older people before we can figure out how to, as a culture, make needing help something that doesn't spawn shame and avoidance, even to the point of intense harm.

Last year I was living in a house that had been converted into two apartments. My downstairs neighbor was an older man with no children. One day I found some notes on my door asking for help buying cigarettes and groceries because he was unable to walk. He also wanted me to post a letter for him, which I opened by mistake (thinking it was another note to me) and found evidence that he'd been victim to a financial scam. I called Adult Protective Services and they opened some kind of file on him. A few days later, his requests to me had intensified and became more and more nonsensical--he wanted me to drive him to a bank in the middle of an intense snowstorm and couldn't understand when I said no, he asked for blankets in the same snowstorm because he was too cold, while his windows were wide open. After hearing him fall and rushing down the stairs thinking he was dead, I called APS again and told them to send someone in the next hour or I would call 911. They found that the situation was much worse than even I had realized--he probably would have died of dehydration in the next few days had I not called--and he was eventually taken to a nursing home after a psychiatric hold. The last time I spoke to him he said "I know I'm being difficult, but I can't go die in a nursing home." As tragic as that was, it also made me really angry. He had clearly never thought about the fact that he would eventually decline and die. What did he want, for me to fulfil his list of demands and then one day find his dead body??????

I had the same experience after my grandmother's death a few months later, where my grandad just would not accept that he was unable to live independently without her help. We didn't have power of attorney over him, so all we could do is hire someone to come help him for an hour a day. We were finally able to get him into an assisted living facility recently, and all I can feel is relief that I'm no longer waiting for a call saying that he died because he stopped taking his medications, or fell and there was no one around.

The silver lining of this whole experience has been that my dad and I have had some more frank conversations about my parents' plan on aging, and he's planning to turn over power of attorney to me before any inevitable mental decline. We've also discussed the fact that retiring in some idyllic location is probably not going to be an option--they will have to retire close to me or one of my siblings.

But, I guess all of this is to say, it's hard for me to even think about material support for aging right now when the more salient concern seems to be--how can we encourage people to be comfortable even just talking about, and planning for, their eventual decline and death?

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Katie's avatar

No way! This past week, while keeping up with our household finances and bills and such, I fell down a rabbit hole and was literally reading the Social Security Administration's retirement benefits website, for the first time suddenly curious about how such rules might apply to me in particular. (I had a very modest salary for ten years, and have not earned income for the past six; my spouse's federal salary and pension support our family and have become the basis of how we plan to meet current and future needs.) I admit I was taken aback to realize precisely how that gap in income-earning time factors into the formula for benefits received. So I come to this post energized and a bit indignant!

Three other notes from this week which seem pertinent:

1) After cruising the SSA site, I felt compelled to tally up the economic value of the administrative skill and leadership I've been donating to a nonprofit organization in recent years, after choosing as a parent of (then newly two and now busily three) young children to say farewell to that full-time paycheck. To my surprise, I average out to a consistent 0.25 FTE over more than six years. Had I been paid at the same rate as other part-time and quarter-time folks on staff, it would be an equivalent of >$10K/year or $2,500/quarter. That's a modest amount and nothing to stake a retirement decade or two or three on, but it's certainly enough to qualify for Social Security benefits. So even taken separately from my caregiving role of parenting going on at the same time, that's 24 quarters of opportunity cost in the SS tally, in order to offer those skills freely for free as a volunteer gift in kind. Huh. It seems to speak to both sides of your "just vs achievable" conundrum, because I have worked consistently, unpaid, for the common good, in an institution where others DO earn income/SS credit when officially on the payroll; and I have also been investing my time and energy as a parent of young children. None of that is on the radar for federal retirement benefits. (And all of it I embrace with warmth and energy; but it's human capital that disappears entirely from the "market".)

2) As it's the 15th of the month, today the IRS direct-deposited the latest installment of the advance child tax credit into our checking account. (I joke with my spouse that this amazing $800 is the *children's* paycheck, their "UBI from Uncle Joe".) What I like about the advance CTC is that there is nothing extra involved-- just being a child in the United States is enough to qualify (being a child of parents with an income below a certain range anyway). The implication is that children have unique needs which are inherently worth meeting. In a discussion about vulnerability and caregiving and interdependence, it is notable that this now provides a mechanism (temporarily anyway) for getting resources to a population whose needs are deemed both unique and urgent compared to working-age adults, without the need for them to have ever been the one working. If children are one such population, are elders another? How might dipping our toe into this experiment of supporting children open up other avenues for more equitably serving elders, decoupled from their (our) employment history?

3) Today I received yet another jury duty summons in the mail. It occurs to me that my county courthouse might be the only government entity which has record of (or which has made a meaningful distinction between) my having children and *caring* for them personally, and having children and *providing* for them economically-- because the county court is who I had to talk to in years past when I was summoned as a nursing mother of newborns. The county court granted that my babies changed my essential functions in the moment, but they did not change my essential civic value. Yet, the potential retirement/elder benefits that I hold in common with other citizens seem to center only on my economic input/output value.

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