Discussion about this post

User's avatar
TC's avatar

I love the phrase “scruffy hospitality”!

I've been reading Charlotte Mason on atmosphere lately: what she says about cultivating a life-giving atmosphere for our children seems to go for our guests as well. The most important atmosphere comes from us—the kids (and guests) don't care if we have a spotless, Instagrammable house if we're in a foul or anxious mood. And after that, there's a balance between being in a space that feels lived in as well as that which is appropriately tidy for the occasion. It's understood that a certain level of tidiness shouldn't prevent us from having over last-minute guests, or welcoming in the neighbors when they drop in. I suppose I try to go for an orderly homeyness: orderly so that things can be done—meals, conversations, chores done together, clean-up accompanied by music or continued chat—rather than sterility or the appearance of sterility. (I think the primary time I truly feel pressure to have things spotless is when my mother or mother-in-law comes to visit!)

I find it helpful to recall what feels welcoming to me when I'm a guest: I appreciate feeling the character of a particular home (as well as signs of life—herbs drying, bread rising, laundry waiting to be folded), and I appreciate feeling that things have their place, so that I can more easily join in the work of the house while I'm there. When I'm visiting my in-laws, some of the best conversations happen as we're making food or cleaning up together.

That balance is what we go for in our own home: making things tidy enough, and helping our kids understand that tidying is one way we can love others and welcome them into our home. (That our kids understand that under-tidiness oughtn't prevent us from hosting is demonstrated by how many times they make their own invitations for spontaneous future gatherings: “You can come to our house whenever you want!”)

Expand full comment
Heidi Deddens's avatar

A few years ago I was talking with a friend about minimalist design trends and hospitality, and they said something that has stuck with me ever since. They had started hosting a weekly Bible study, and every week they scrambled to make their home spotless and tidy before people walked in. A few weeks in, they realized that the stress and the effort involved weren't sustainable, and so they simply accepted the fact that people would see the mess of ordinary life and tried to make peace with that. That evening ended up being one of the best gatherings they had: everyone was visibly more relaxed and comfortable, and the conversation had more depth and vulnerability. I try to remember this when I feel the urge to hide the evidence of my own domestic work, or when I am reluctant to invite people over because our home is untidy. I don't want those things to be a barrier to hospitality—especially when they could actually invigorate it! I want to be hospitable, and I want that hospitality to be an act of inviting people into our daily life, rather than setting aside those ordinary things of life to "host" or "entertain" others temporarily.

Expand full comment
25 more comments...

No posts