I'm lucky enough to have all three, but a lot of that is tied to the church I'm a member of, which has become very small in the two years since we had a nasty split (and, among other things, one of our men was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's). As I've also learned in those last two years that my chronic health problems are not going away, I'm one of the people with more visible needs in that web of care. There are times --- between having to give up one of my jobs, some of my things getting worse even as others get better, and continual car problems --- where I seem to be constantly taking and not giving back. Nobody else has said anything like that, of course, it's just that voice inside my head, but there have been times where I probably should have asked for help and didn't. That's an internal more than an external hurdle, but I have to wonder if the people who look like they have the fewest needs and are always rushing around taking care of the rest of us don't have something similar telling them they must be careful to look relatively self-sufficient.
I was thinking about that exact thing. I have a lovely community of friends but I seem to have been designated as a Highly Competent Person and I have to say, it is very lonely. It has happened to me many times in my life with multiple circles and it is hard sometimes to figure out if I just really stink at asking for help (this definitely used to be true) or if I just attract people to me who like having other people do things for them (whether explicitly intended or not). I am naturally introverted too which I am sure doesn't help because I don't ever, ever want to be the center of attention. But I have experienced major crises, reached out, and been dismissed, in groups where this kind of helping is normal - among other people. It's really hard not to feel kind of, well, crushed. And if I muddle through anyway, I guess it proves I didn't actually need the help?
I do very much agree with the ideas here, it's just that my personal experiences and normal humanity (not explicitly badly intentioned or evil) make it hard to not feel bitter or resentful. If an actual bad actor gets in there - yikes.
What motivated me in particular to respond (especially to the notion of some feeling like they have to appear "with it" and capable) was a memory of a book I read for spouses, children, or parents of those with a particular neurological diagnosis. Books like this usually focus entirely on helping the afflicted person, and I have a lot of those too, but I appreciated this one because it was about support for the carer.
Seemingly unrelated, the author told a story about how she took a nasty fall in a busy hotel lobby, and *as she was falling* was engaging in self-talk about how to fall correctly, not hurt herself, not make a spectacle of herself. And nobody helped her, not even the employee she made contact with. She was able to get up and leave unassisted, and soothed herself by telling herself how much worse it could have been, despite her embarrassment and very sore body. Her point was that she, and a lot of other people who have family with this condition (and probably others), seem to exude this vibe constantly and with everyone, whether by nature or nurture, she wasn't sure. And it was a lightbulb moment for me too, because I've had similar experiences myself.
I really do like helping others. I don't want to sound like I am keeping score. But it's a dilemma that I think a lot of people face.
Compassion fatigue is real, as are periods of helping burnout, especially for “Highly Competent [People]” (that’s a good descriptor of people like you). It’s hard to balance the responsibility of Christ’s call to service for our neighbor with humility, not only the humility to ask for help when we personally and intimately need it, but the humility to know that we HCPs aren’t actually called to Do It All. That was Christ’s work, and we can mistakenly exercise human pride when we do more than we should out of a sense of duty. I’ve fought bitterness and frustration myself after doing a lot, and that’s certainly a lack of love. Lord help us to know when we should serve and when we should receive; it helps to know He both served and was served, too.
I was helping someone repeatedly through an ongoing crisis. Another friend wisely asked me, "Are you trying to be their savior or are you pointing them to the Savior?" Being an HCP and someone who struggles with pride, it was a really important reminder.
I think you are right. I find it intensely frustrating when there are calls for help and nobody responds. It does make me feel guilty. I'll wait and wait for someone else to step in and nobody does and I think, "well, ok, guess it's me again. What the heck, guys?!"
I think that is one reason I posted, though - I usually don't get upset with the people who need help, but the bystanders. It's easy to think that HCPs want to show off or they have it altogether but we need our own kind of help too. If you're in a community like this it might be good to look out for that. As I said I like mine but one huge drawback is we're all mostly in the same stage of life - married with a zillion kids - and there aren't many with a lot of flexibility. And while I might have a good handle on practical matters what I really need is emotional support. I feel strongly about this at the moment for personal reasons. I got a text from a friend the other day just asking how I was and I cried because I was so grateful she thought about me. There's a lot of ways we can take care of each other.
I feel for you, Penguin Mom, and I’m praying for you right now. I definitely have felt the bitterness toward who I perceive are bystanders, even as I know I don’t know everything people are going through and what they can or can’t handle at a given moment. Also, sometimes people need to know HCPs just can’t do something, because then it brings other people out of the woodwork (hopefully!). And sometimes we have to acknowledge that we’re tired, or stressed, or feeling lonely in our service. Thank God for your friend who asked how you are. We all need a friend or friends like that.
I had one of those days today where I went from a typical HCP to someone needing help on multiple fronts--just a dumpster fire of last-minute needs (car needed to go in the shop ASAP. Turns out brake problems are really serious:-); daughter got sick at school and needed a pickup) plus last-minute changes (prenatal appointment time was moved 17 hours before the scheduled time, but the message I got was garbled, so I didn’t find out until I called the office as early as I could, which was 45 minutes before the new time!) plus last-minute cancellations (I was supposed to open the door for the monthly mom’s group this morning, and I just couldn’t be there at all). And praise the Lord, two women covered/filled/juggled the things that we really needed, other friends loaned us a car to use today... this is an extreme example, but it reminded me that yes, in a pinch, others can step up, and I think it’s easier for them to juggle when they know I and my family have covered for them in the past and that we don’t ask unless we really need it/a dumpster fire happens. I’m not saying it’s good to wait to ask for help until dumpster fire circumstances happen. But if you’ve made a habit of saying “no” while also serving where you can, and asking others to step in (this can be hard!), it’s easier send them out the ask when you’re working with a pea-shooter of water over the fire explosion that’s just doubled in size.
It strikes me that it is not only critical for people to offer help - it is critical for people to ask for it. I find that many women are willing to offer, but many of us have an internal barrier to asking - because we’re just supposed to be able to do this stuff. That is part of why the type of offering that you describe with Friendly Mom 3 is so helpful - because it assumes help is needed, and makes accepting it easier.
I commented under Penguin Mom, but I think another thing to add to your list, Leah, would be the necessity of humility. Both receiving and giving care requires it, as you (or someone?) alluded to in their reference to vulnerability.
This doesn't answer your questions, and I know unrequested medical advice is frequently annoying or off-base, so please disregard this if it's not helpful.
In case your Staph is MRSA or otherwise resisting treatment, I have a relative who's a medical professional peripherally involved with MRSA research. They have mentioned that biofilms are often implicated in such cases. Treatments include Boluoke (lumbrokinase) or the weaker serrapeptase, which are enzymes that break down biofilms so the antibiotics can reach the pathogens.
Glad you are doing better! Last weekend my husband and I were both sick with 102+ fevers at the same time. We've never both been really sick at the same time before, and it was pretty tough. We don't have kids so we basically just took the route of buying a bunch of takeout and letting the house fall apart for a few days. I am just now realizing that it didn't occur to us at any time to ask someone else for help... and, to be fair, our local community is a bit slim nowadays due to the fact that we're both nearing the end of our PhDs. A lot of our friends have graduated and moved on by now, and we are also anticipating moving in less than a year. But I don't think we really would have called anyone regardless. We're all mostly childless and can afford to blow $100 on takeout for a few days. It's good that we can, but also a bit sad in its own way.
UPDATE: in the ~15m since I sent this, I discovered Helpful Mom 3 isn’t just bringing us dinner tonight, she’s also set up a meal train.
I'm lucky enough to have all three, but a lot of that is tied to the church I'm a member of, which has become very small in the two years since we had a nasty split (and, among other things, one of our men was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's). As I've also learned in those last two years that my chronic health problems are not going away, I'm one of the people with more visible needs in that web of care. There are times --- between having to give up one of my jobs, some of my things getting worse even as others get better, and continual car problems --- where I seem to be constantly taking and not giving back. Nobody else has said anything like that, of course, it's just that voice inside my head, but there have been times where I probably should have asked for help and didn't. That's an internal more than an external hurdle, but I have to wonder if the people who look like they have the fewest needs and are always rushing around taking care of the rest of us don't have something similar telling them they must be careful to look relatively self-sufficient.
I was thinking about that exact thing. I have a lovely community of friends but I seem to have been designated as a Highly Competent Person and I have to say, it is very lonely. It has happened to me many times in my life with multiple circles and it is hard sometimes to figure out if I just really stink at asking for help (this definitely used to be true) or if I just attract people to me who like having other people do things for them (whether explicitly intended or not). I am naturally introverted too which I am sure doesn't help because I don't ever, ever want to be the center of attention. But I have experienced major crises, reached out, and been dismissed, in groups where this kind of helping is normal - among other people. It's really hard not to feel kind of, well, crushed. And if I muddle through anyway, I guess it proves I didn't actually need the help?
I do very much agree with the ideas here, it's just that my personal experiences and normal humanity (not explicitly badly intentioned or evil) make it hard to not feel bitter or resentful. If an actual bad actor gets in there - yikes.
What motivated me in particular to respond (especially to the notion of some feeling like they have to appear "with it" and capable) was a memory of a book I read for spouses, children, or parents of those with a particular neurological diagnosis. Books like this usually focus entirely on helping the afflicted person, and I have a lot of those too, but I appreciated this one because it was about support for the carer.
Seemingly unrelated, the author told a story about how she took a nasty fall in a busy hotel lobby, and *as she was falling* was engaging in self-talk about how to fall correctly, not hurt herself, not make a spectacle of herself. And nobody helped her, not even the employee she made contact with. She was able to get up and leave unassisted, and soothed herself by telling herself how much worse it could have been, despite her embarrassment and very sore body. Her point was that she, and a lot of other people who have family with this condition (and probably others), seem to exude this vibe constantly and with everyone, whether by nature or nurture, she wasn't sure. And it was a lightbulb moment for me too, because I've had similar experiences myself.
I really do like helping others. I don't want to sound like I am keeping score. But it's a dilemma that I think a lot of people face.
Compassion fatigue is real, as are periods of helping burnout, especially for “Highly Competent [People]” (that’s a good descriptor of people like you). It’s hard to balance the responsibility of Christ’s call to service for our neighbor with humility, not only the humility to ask for help when we personally and intimately need it, but the humility to know that we HCPs aren’t actually called to Do It All. That was Christ’s work, and we can mistakenly exercise human pride when we do more than we should out of a sense of duty. I’ve fought bitterness and frustration myself after doing a lot, and that’s certainly a lack of love. Lord help us to know when we should serve and when we should receive; it helps to know He both served and was served, too.
I was helping someone repeatedly through an ongoing crisis. Another friend wisely asked me, "Are you trying to be their savior or are you pointing them to the Savior?" Being an HCP and someone who struggles with pride, it was a really important reminder.
That’s extremely insightful. And a good reminder of who the Good Physician is (not us).
I think you are right. I find it intensely frustrating when there are calls for help and nobody responds. It does make me feel guilty. I'll wait and wait for someone else to step in and nobody does and I think, "well, ok, guess it's me again. What the heck, guys?!"
I think that is one reason I posted, though - I usually don't get upset with the people who need help, but the bystanders. It's easy to think that HCPs want to show off or they have it altogether but we need our own kind of help too. If you're in a community like this it might be good to look out for that. As I said I like mine but one huge drawback is we're all mostly in the same stage of life - married with a zillion kids - and there aren't many with a lot of flexibility. And while I might have a good handle on practical matters what I really need is emotional support. I feel strongly about this at the moment for personal reasons. I got a text from a friend the other day just asking how I was and I cried because I was so grateful she thought about me. There's a lot of ways we can take care of each other.
I feel for you, Penguin Mom, and I’m praying for you right now. I definitely have felt the bitterness toward who I perceive are bystanders, even as I know I don’t know everything people are going through and what they can or can’t handle at a given moment. Also, sometimes people need to know HCPs just can’t do something, because then it brings other people out of the woodwork (hopefully!). And sometimes we have to acknowledge that we’re tired, or stressed, or feeling lonely in our service. Thank God for your friend who asked how you are. We all need a friend or friends like that.
I had one of those days today where I went from a typical HCP to someone needing help on multiple fronts--just a dumpster fire of last-minute needs (car needed to go in the shop ASAP. Turns out brake problems are really serious:-); daughter got sick at school and needed a pickup) plus last-minute changes (prenatal appointment time was moved 17 hours before the scheduled time, but the message I got was garbled, so I didn’t find out until I called the office as early as I could, which was 45 minutes before the new time!) plus last-minute cancellations (I was supposed to open the door for the monthly mom’s group this morning, and I just couldn’t be there at all). And praise the Lord, two women covered/filled/juggled the things that we really needed, other friends loaned us a car to use today... this is an extreme example, but it reminded me that yes, in a pinch, others can step up, and I think it’s easier for them to juggle when they know I and my family have covered for them in the past and that we don’t ask unless we really need it/a dumpster fire happens. I’m not saying it’s good to wait to ask for help until dumpster fire circumstances happen. But if you’ve made a habit of saying “no” while also serving where you can, and asking others to step in (this can be hard!), it’s easier send them out the ask when you’re working with a pea-shooter of water over the fire explosion that’s just doubled in size.
I'm glad the infection is starting to turn around and that you've had good community support. And I'm sorry things have been hard and scary!
It strikes me that it is not only critical for people to offer help - it is critical for people to ask for it. I find that many women are willing to offer, but many of us have an internal barrier to asking - because we’re just supposed to be able to do this stuff. That is part of why the type of offering that you describe with Friendly Mom 3 is so helpful - because it assumes help is needed, and makes accepting it easier.
I commented under Penguin Mom, but I think another thing to add to your list, Leah, would be the necessity of humility. Both receiving and giving care requires it, as you (or someone?) alluded to in their reference to vulnerability.
This doesn't answer your questions, and I know unrequested medical advice is frequently annoying or off-base, so please disregard this if it's not helpful.
In case your Staph is MRSA or otherwise resisting treatment, I have a relative who's a medical professional peripherally involved with MRSA research. They have mentioned that biofilms are often implicated in such cases. Treatments include Boluoke (lumbrokinase) or the weaker serrapeptase, which are enzymes that break down biofilms so the antibiotics can reach the pathogens.
Thank you. I was definitely worried about the first antibiotics failing, but happily I’m on the mend
Glad you are doing better! Last weekend my husband and I were both sick with 102+ fevers at the same time. We've never both been really sick at the same time before, and it was pretty tough. We don't have kids so we basically just took the route of buying a bunch of takeout and letting the house fall apart for a few days. I am just now realizing that it didn't occur to us at any time to ask someone else for help... and, to be fair, our local community is a bit slim nowadays due to the fact that we're both nearing the end of our PhDs. A lot of our friends have graduated and moved on by now, and we are also anticipating moving in less than a year. But I don't think we really would have called anyone regardless. We're all mostly childless and can afford to blow $100 on takeout for a few days. It's good that we can, but also a bit sad in its own way.