Socially I've always been the introvert who relied on making a few extrovert friends who dragged me into social groups on their coattails. The only time I ever had a really thriving social group of my own was in college where everyone lived on a small campus and it was easy to run into people without much effort and to have those daily interactions which made socializing almost effortless. I stayed near campus after graduation and continued to have that circle of friends who had done the same.
Then moving to Massachusetts from Texas when I came here for grad school was a culture shock. I had lived in a community where I had friends who just dropped by each other's apartments at a moment's notice after work. And my first few years here were incredibly lonely. I lived far away from campus and my classmates and commuted (because I couldn't give up the cheap rent). When I wasn't going to classes my classmates were really too far away to casually drop by. I tended to hang out with my roommates and they were very nice people, don't get me wrong. But somehow the dynamic was that I could go with them to hang out with their friends, accompany them to parties, go to movies and restaurants and concerts and such; but somehow their friends never became my friends. If my roommates weren't around, their friends didn't invite me to hang out or do things. I always felt like maybe I was doing something wrong.
Once we were married my husband's friends did adopt me and we had a bunch of mutual friends in the young adult group at our parish; but then we moved to the other side of Boston and had to start over again at a new parish where neither of us knew anyone in a small town where everyone seemed to already know each other and few people seemed interested in adding us to their circles.
Now I'm sure a lot of my isolation is because I'm an introvert and sometimes rather shy. But I did try. I went to library story hours and women's groups and church. And somehow none of those people moved from acquaintances to friendships. Even when our kids were old enough to join scouts, I found all the other moms knew each other through the schools and we were the homeschool family in a town where no one else homeschools and again we never moved past chatting nicely with each other on the sidelines at meetings to invitations to other people's houses.
I tried to be friendly to our neighbors, but no one seemed interested in going beyond very casual waving. I feel like I just don't know how to progress from that to something more. All my small attempts were rebuffed by people who didn't seem to want more. And I like a shy snail just pulled more and more into my shell.
The like-minded homeschoolers I've met over the years somehow all live far enough away to make going to meetups an endeavor of Herculean proportions. At least half an hour to an hour and a half drive to get anywhere. No one close enough to us to just casually drop in on the way to somewhere. And as school became more intense I found it hard to choose between having a consistent school day that let me get academics covered and having social time with these people who it took real effort to meet. Somehow I never figured out the secret that other people seem to have mastered of doing it all. I could either have educated kids or socialization time for myself, but not both. So we retreated to scouts as the primary socialization for the kids, which satisfied their needs, but not mine.
Lately the younger kids have found a tribe of neighborhood kids to run around with and play with. But again I cannot seem to connect with the parents of any of these kids. This grandmother tells her kids that homeschooling is bad though doesn't seem to prevent her kids from running around with mine, these immigrants seem happy to have their kids play with ours, but don't seem to want to socialize themselves. No one seems eager to connect and I don't know how to overcome the combination of my own shyness and their reluctance. I need an extrovert friend to be the bridgemaker.
I guess since moving here I've lost the trick of attaching myself to the extroverts who bring me into the social circle? Is it because there are too many small cultural differences between Texas and New England? Maybe? Is it because of the stage in life where people are just too busy? Is it the greater geographical distances between people that make it harder for communities to form? Is it some combination of all of the above? I don't know. I just know that I don't know how to create the kind of community that I crave and at this stage in my life I've come to an uneasy resignation that I might never recover that golden age of my youth when my college friends just dropped by on me and I just dropped in on them.
I read all of this but feel this to a T: "I guess since moving here I've lost the trick of attaching myself to the extroverts who bring me into the social circle? Is it because there are too many small cultural differences between Texas and New England? Maybe? Is it because of the stage in life where people are just too busy? Is it the greater geographical distances between people that make it harder for communities to form? Is it some combination of all of the above? I don't know. I just know that I don't know how to create the kind of community that I crave and at this stage in my life I've come to an uneasy resignation that I might never recover that golden age of my youth when my college friends just dropped by on me and I just dropped in on them."
I have also lived in some places in the south (Texas included) and the north (both NYC and Long Island, as well as growing up in Minnesota and currently in Wisconsin with my family). When we were in Long Island (2020-2021, so the height of COVID!) we actually had some of the closest and dearest friendships in our few year old marriage. Two other families with young children like us were there for short term, professional work (like postdocs and one in residency). They didn't have family nearby like us, and wanted to make the most of it. We became like a mini friend pod, and ate together all the time at each others' places and had last minute get togethers on the beach. Us ladies got together, and so did the husbands. It truly was special and incredibly lifegiving for all of us. The combination of the particular people provided us, a narrowing of options due to Covid exposure risks, and the lack of other ties or family in the midst of parenting littles I think really drew us together. (And there was one extrovert who drove much of it! haha)
Fast forward and we will have been in Wisconsin for 3 years come September. We've had plenty of troubles finding and sticking with a church, which is part of it. But this smaller city truly has so many people who have been here forever with family all around and often have longtime friends. It's just.... a different vibe when it comes to forming friendships. There's not that fire in the belly that fellow transplants have. Part of it is also that so many people we encounter homeschool and that stage of life is just more demanding and structured than the season of baby and toddler outings. We've had a few folks over for dinner, and have gone to a few houses in return, but nothing has really stuck. My husband and I have both gotten pretty discouraged after two previous wonderful community experiences together prior to this move. Being new to a tight-knit place as a parent of littles is pretty tough. We've recently been going to church which surprisingly has some transplants and others that seem welcoming (even was invited to dinner) so we'll see.
I am also in search of an extrovert to bring into their friend group. You have described my struggles making new connections in a new state perfectly.
I kind of want to try hosting some kind of event that could help bring people together from my parish or something, but I’m afraid either no one would show up or worse they will and we’ll all just sit staring at each other awkwardly after five minutes because I won’t be able to keep people talking.
I move from CT to MA, and I know what you mean. People are not friendly here.
I am an extrovert, and I had to put in a lot of effort to make friends. My kids are also extroverts, so for me it was essential to our family that I figure this out, and made it worth taking time away from other projects (sounds like this is not the case for you).
I am usually the person initiating, even in relationships that are a few years old. I have other families over my house all the time, these invitations are almost never reciprocated.
My kids are not homeschooled, and attend a small, somewhat dysfunctional Catholic school. Being in a school really helped us make friends. Homeschooling is great, but it is not right for our family for a variety of reasons.
FWIW, I really, really, really think that the problem is that people are too busy. Most people I reach out to want to be friends and want to socialize. But this is an expensive place to live, and most families need two full time jobs to make it work. When they are not working, they are trying to run their household and spend time with their kids. The house is messy, the kids are hungry, and mom is too overwhelmed to imagine trying to socialize on top of everything else. It's much easier to put on the TV for the kids then it is to try to figure out a playdate.
My town is a bit northeast of Boston, and some friends live in very social neighborhoods. These neighborhoods probably exist in your town, too, but it takes effort to find them (and it's impossible to move now, lol).
No advice, just hugs. ❤️ My heart goes out to you.
If you lived in Rochester, NY, I would have you over. I am very extroverted and my (more introverted, Hobbit-like) husband says I practice "attack friendship." I see other parents at the library or a new person at church and go right over and trade phone numbers and invite them to dinner. Kindergarten-style: "Do you want to be friends?" Some people never come to dinner, but the ones who do, I try to connect to other people who might be a fit with them, maybe in life stage, interests, or similar ages of children. I can't be everyone's best friend, but hopefully I can help them get connected to other people. And I can feed everyone who shows up at my house once a week.
My husband and I moved here from out of state over a decade ago, knowing zero people. That first year of not having any friends was rough. We prayed and prayed and prayed to find friends. Eventually we found an existing community, which was totally the Holy Spirit. Now I fish for friends to invite them in, because I know someone is sitting at home, or going out and trying and then coming home again feeling defeated, wishing they had friends, just like we used to.
Thank you so much for doing this! If done well, there should be one or two “attack friends” in every community getting everyone connected. Us quieter folks really do appreciate it!
I have also been surprised how long it’s taken just to recover from the overwhelm of moving states. It was almost a year before I felt I had the real bandwidth to start trying to intentionally search for and invest in new friendships.
I wish I had a community. I feel kind of stuck honestly. My academic and artist friends have unconventional schedules and drop in on each other... us corporate 9 to 5 normies really struggle in comparison.
We bought a home in a suburb of NJ and there's some kids my toddler's age. I never see them around evenings/weekends so assume they have different schedules than we do. We got to know our next door neighbor who has a grand daughter and pool and keeps saying he wants us to come over "sometime" but no invitation comes. I went so far as to offer some weekends we are free... We have invited about every couple we know over for dinner and only one reciprocated. My poor husband was so dismayed he just asked if we could stop trying.
I used to commute for work which was very destructive to all of us. My new job is WFH and I'm using the additional 2hrs a day to meal prep, do internet yoga, cuddle kids, garden our .25 acre, and learn to drive (I'm a Brooklyn native). I would love to go to a studio for yoga but that would take time away from my tiny kiddos; another way I might make friends though.
We did just start attending a new Episcopal church and have gotten to know some families there. I am trying to be bold and see if any of the moms would be up to a play date. Coffee hour is always buzzing with activity. No one is in walking distance though - it would require some scheduling and planning.
That's really the hardest thing. I want to get to know nearby people who can "drop in" for dinner if we have extra one night. So far, I don't know where to find them or they don't seem interested when invited. 100% interested in any advice fellow moms can provide!
Rosaria Butterfield wrote a book called "The Gospel Comes With a House Key." It's an amazingly-intense recounting of deeply-Christian, sincerely-messy/unpretentious hospitality flowing with love.
I went to¹ a half day² "mini conference" where she spoke. She STARTED OUT with the story of the day the Feds knocked on her door. There was a raid on the house of her neighbor across the street. Her shy, reclusive neighbor, an older man who associated with few others besides her family, was arrested for... having a meth lab. Soon, her whole anxious neighborhood piled into her house (because being in and out of her family's house was normal to them). A bit later, one of those stressed, startled neighbors whose lives (and property values!) just got shaken up a bunch that morning poured himself the last drop of coffee she'd made, and made his point out loud: "You know, the problem with you Christians is... you're too gullible." (I re-told parts of the "drug bust" story to non-Christian friends repeatedly for the next few weeks.)
By the time I left the conference, I was ready to invite people over to my apartment, like now! In fact--emotionally, I was in different "zone" of agency/excitement/encouraged-ness, and I didn't want to LOSE steam: I was going to invite over our close obvious friend TODAY. That afternoon. HOWEVER, The Plan was not without obstacles. Our family's predictable failure mode occurred: While the kids and I were cleaning up the house, a quarrel broke out. I turned to my then-7-Y.O.--the younger participant in this quarrel, and the one with the most physical proximity to me--and spoke these words: "I have something I need to tell you... I'm really emotional.. because... the lady who spoke this morning... It sounds like she has people over at her house at LEAST 6 days a week!" My 7 Y.O. replied "That. IS. Awesome." And he returned to dealing with dishes or loading the dishwasher or whatever, (but not to the quarrel!) newly-galvanized to our purpose! We got done in time to invite my friend and her kids over--it happened to be exactly what she needed at that moment. That was the first day I got up the courage to invite her to my Bible Study. (though I'd known her for months-n-months / a couple years?) And she came to it!! And was loved, and saw it as her own.
And for awhile, I didn't know myself. A week later, my older son and I were planning his birthday party. We were talking about it in the car, when my husband, who was driving the car, asked us a question. Suddenly, I realized that we'd NEVER told him. We just decided to do it. We laughed. Here I was, and typically-antsy, neurotic, "I have to check everything out with hubbie first" me... had forgotten to even INFORM him we were inviting a half-dozen kids or so over to our place for a party... rather soon! And it was fine. When we had the party... one of the taller, older kids literally hid during hide-n-seek on the TOP SHELF of my sons' closet! What on earth? That was a little nutty, and something I wouldve gotten freaked out about in years past, but.. it was fine! It didn't faze me / make me fret "oh no, this is a disaster and I need to prevent things this crazy from happening at all costs!" like it would have in days before.
So my overall suggestions:
1. GET encouragement. "Eat up" stories that have breadth about genuine Christian hospitality. (Leah's obviously got her "Building the Benedict Option" book--lol, two books written about hospitality by amazingly-nerdy,³ really-academically-trained women!) But don't assume you have to do things -exactly- like they did because of course you won't.
2. Consider that YOUR HOUSE might have to be the "hub" for hospitality for your neighborhood(s) - or maybe at least the parents there - for awhile, if much total volume of neighborliness is going to exist!
3. With this 3rd one I -may- not know what I'm talking about; it was a thought I had during the conference, but I think I'm right: Don't over-obsess about making your hospitality plans around specific particular acquaintances! I feel like I've heard SO MANY (beloved) fellow Evangelical friends talk in a weirdly-overobsessed-sounding way, saying some variant of: "I think God is calling me to witness to / minister to / focus on neighbor-family X, but they are always so hesitant when I invite them over, I think they're putting me off." Maybe instead, make your doorway generally MORE POROUS, and let yourselves have a reputation as "they are sane / legit / fun / kind family"; then the specific people you were dreaming of "investing in" might wander in.
A couple memorable suggestions from Butterfield:
1. We do all of this through prayer. Start first with prayer. "Unless the Lord builds a house..." (idk if she cited that verse, or my brain was just like "this is where she's going.")
2. Sometimes we need to give hospitality, sometimes we need to receive hospitality. (I know that seems to conflict with my #2 suggestion, but it will surely be applicable to many / nearly everyone at some time. And it was given for the specific context where I live.)
EDIT: second paragraph had something ambiguous-sounding that I fixed.
The footnotes from that comment, because that's how I roll:
[1] i literally felt a little awkward deciding to go because i'd read internet drama connected to her--in spite of the fact she semi doesn't even do social media (!) it was a talk or Q&A she'd given--some months or years previously! (lol @ the internet.) I'm extremely glad I did! She's off doing her own thing, and it's flowing with hope and fearless godliness.
[2] lol, the women of my church only sparing half a day for the "Women's Conference" is deep irony--but HEY, you figure out what works for the local community that you're embedded in! And whoever made that call made the right call!
[3] Butterfield talks about how in SOME well-known fictional work written in idk, 0-300 AD, there was a comical theme where a guy takes advantage of the hospitality of Christians, b/c they're so gullible. She also references the way that some... anthropologist's paper or essay about "which groups of people eat together" was a really sorta central text for the gay & lesbian communities going through the 1990s AIDS crisis... or maybe just academics & feminists she knew, but I think the former. (Which made me want to read that writing, but I forgot to.)
YES! I read The Gospel Comes with a Housekey and was so encouraged!! Now I'm encouraged by you too! So cool you got to hear her in person!
We have hosted an open invite weekly dinner every week for eight years. It started with inviting over two or three friends, and now two weeks ago we had over thirty adults and ten kids in our (small) house and spilling into the (small) backyard! This week was smaller, only like fifteen adults and three kids. It varies, but there are new people every week.
We invite people we meet walking dogs, people with kids at the library, people who post on nextdoor that they just moved to town and are looking for friends, people at church.
RSVP optional, bringing a dish admired but not required, just bring yourself and a friend.
I love your story about hosting the birthday party. I think regular low-key hosting/hospitality makes us more open to using our homes for whatever God sends your way. When my friend (who is a single mom and a total planner and rockstar) was going to host a birthday party for her son at the church hall and then the hall got accidently double booked, I said, "We can have it at my house!" I was very pregnant, would be hosting open invite dinner the night before, and it would be 17 kids (mostly preschoolers) and their parents. I said, "Sure! It'll be fun!" And it was!
(I should say we host *almost* every week. We skip weeks when we're traveling and I only hosted community dinner twice in the first six months after having my baby. Though I hosted up until a couple weeks before my due date! Once he was over six months old, we got back into our swing of weekly dinner hosting. It's a great life. We're so blessed it's absurd. I want everyone to have what we have.)
Oh, also I now see that one of my suggestions may have seriously failed to hit the mark because you wrote "I want to get to know nearby people who can "drop in" for dinner if we have extra one night. So far, I don't know where to find them or they don't seem interested when invited." (oof!)
...and my brain was still off on your recollection of "We have invited about every couple we know over for dinner and only one reciprocated. My poor husband was so dismayed he just asked if we could stop trying." (!! argh.)
Tell more about the situation if you feel like it; I'd love to hear!
Lol! So we know a good deal of millennial couples between our friend groups. Most agree to come over for dinner but just never invite us over and it feels like maybe they just don't like us very much, or maybe don't want to deal with kids?? It's hard to tell. We invited the Christian friends that do reciprocate and are great hosts to our son's recent baptism and actually had no response from either of them. Kind of sad, I thought they would have declined at least.
We have had one elderly neighbor over for coffee. I know there is a homeschool mom of 4 down the block. I have never actually seen her around, I just know this from the internet. Should I DM her, is that creepy?
I just keep trying things and feeling like nobody actually wants to see us. Maybe, we are not great company. Or I need better things to offer than dinner or coffee. I promise my husband is an excellent chef and we pay a cleaning service besides our own efforts - I don't think it's an environmental thing. We are both east coast natives. People here are pretty reserved!
I don't worry about being creepy. 😂 I just invite people over all the time. "I saw your post on nextdoor about being new to the area, here's my address and dinner details, stop by any Friday!" (And sometimes they do!) My house is mess and I'm not a chef. I make pasta and rice and beans because they're lower unit cost. No one seems to mind.
My husband is a Hobbit and enjoys the comforts of home. (It took several years of marriage for my very extroverted self to fully understand and accept this.) So hosting and not getting invited back is actually ideal for us. He gets to see friends once a week and doesn't have to leave his house. And he gets to kick everyone out at 7:15pm.
When I was working 9-5, our open invite dinners were just oven pizzas I'd throw in when I got home. Doors open at 5:30, dinner at 6, send out at 7:15. If more people came, I boiled pasta. Most people were coming directly from work and our having food made lowered the friction for people of "once you get home from work you have inertia and don't want to go back out to an event."
A secular hosting book (not as life changing as The Gospel Comes with a Housekey, but good that it exists!) I recently read was The 2 Hour Cocktail party by Nick Gray, he's trying to encourage people to host "the minimum viable party" and invite random neighbors and acquaintances, because he's been doing it for years and it's been great for him.
We’ve met many neighbors since moving into our house 2 years ago-mostly through casual daily greetings (with those whom we have adjoining yards -we both do tons of garden/yard work) and walks through the neighborhood. Even amongst those who are willing to meet, it is so so hard to coordinate even a simple dinner when everyone has different work schedules, children’s bedtimes, etc. -we had one dinner meeting that took months to find a date that worked. I think there’s just not enough regular communal routines that put us all in the same spaces without the pressure of logistics and planning, which suck so much energy out of everyone.
But the largest barrier to getting to know a lot of our neighbors better is...dogs. Pets have become such a casual fixture of modern life that people are pretty lazy about using leashes, fences, locking doors, etc., and I frequently find myself in the awkwardly infuriating position of feeling like I’m expected to apologize for my small children being scared of strange animals instead of dog owners taking responsibility for their animals. It makes the few ripe opportunities for neighborly interaction, like Halloween, very tricky to navigate.
Our friends from church were renovating an old farmhouse and let us know when the property across the street went up for sale. It ended up being a good fit at a good time, and they finished up their renovations as we had our third child... then a month later we moved into our respective houses at the same time.
Our house is set up like a duplex with a basement apartment, and part of the reason we decided to buy it was so we could rent out the space to another family. We found a family from our church that has been a great fit with two kids. We have nine people sleeping under our roof and a couple (infertile and very supportive our of families) directly across the street.
The friend across the street was able to watch the kids with zero notice when I had to take my dad to the hospital while he was visiting from out of state. The three of us homemakers swap kitchen items, ice cream makers, and extra baked goods several times a week.
We live on a rural block (everyone has ~5 acres), and we have tried to get to know the neighbors outside our little community (including the 8000 sq ft - not a typo - mansion being built next door). My husband is great at outreach and has been swapping tools with the man up the street. The owners of an empty parcel of land next door let us graze our cow on their side of the fence and invited us to their 4th of July party.
Almost a year into living here feels a bit like living the dream. There is still work to be done, and there is still a noticable difference between us, the "crazy Catholic homesteaders" and the groomed lawns and isolated, set-back houses of the rest of the block.
I used to have drop-in relationships with several similarly-aged neighbors/friends when I was younger, but I live somewhere else now and currently don't. Among other factors, it probably doesn't help that my new street is a fairly major thoroughfare, rather than a more secluded neighborhood, so it feels like more of an undertaking to cross it, or even to go next door.
I love thinking about these things. I think my community gets some of this very right indeed and I'd love to see us get better at it. Meal trains, for example: no new baby arrives at my church without one. I honestly forget that people who aren't part of a church or other thick community have to care for a newborn without regular meal deliveries! I'm also thrilled to live near enough to one of my church friends to meet up for almost-spontaneous stroller walks. (I still text first!)
But she's just one friend and isn't always available. I'd love to have a whole community of people I could text for meetups, whether that meant making friends with more of my neighbors or having more of my church friends live within walking distance. Both of those are difficult for me to imagine, though, unfortunately.
We moved to a neighborhood near our Catholic Bible Study Center and our church and convinced friends to move within walking distance. It was a dream for a decade and now it's a reality! Over the last three and a half years about a dozen Catholic families have moved within a few blocks of each other. It's been such a wild and joyful Holy Spirit thing!
Socially I've always been the introvert who relied on making a few extrovert friends who dragged me into social groups on their coattails. The only time I ever had a really thriving social group of my own was in college where everyone lived on a small campus and it was easy to run into people without much effort and to have those daily interactions which made socializing almost effortless. I stayed near campus after graduation and continued to have that circle of friends who had done the same.
Then moving to Massachusetts from Texas when I came here for grad school was a culture shock. I had lived in a community where I had friends who just dropped by each other's apartments at a moment's notice after work. And my first few years here were incredibly lonely. I lived far away from campus and my classmates and commuted (because I couldn't give up the cheap rent). When I wasn't going to classes my classmates were really too far away to casually drop by. I tended to hang out with my roommates and they were very nice people, don't get me wrong. But somehow the dynamic was that I could go with them to hang out with their friends, accompany them to parties, go to movies and restaurants and concerts and such; but somehow their friends never became my friends. If my roommates weren't around, their friends didn't invite me to hang out or do things. I always felt like maybe I was doing something wrong.
Once we were married my husband's friends did adopt me and we had a bunch of mutual friends in the young adult group at our parish; but then we moved to the other side of Boston and had to start over again at a new parish where neither of us knew anyone in a small town where everyone seemed to already know each other and few people seemed interested in adding us to their circles.
Now I'm sure a lot of my isolation is because I'm an introvert and sometimes rather shy. But I did try. I went to library story hours and women's groups and church. And somehow none of those people moved from acquaintances to friendships. Even when our kids were old enough to join scouts, I found all the other moms knew each other through the schools and we were the homeschool family in a town where no one else homeschools and again we never moved past chatting nicely with each other on the sidelines at meetings to invitations to other people's houses.
I tried to be friendly to our neighbors, but no one seemed interested in going beyond very casual waving. I feel like I just don't know how to progress from that to something more. All my small attempts were rebuffed by people who didn't seem to want more. And I like a shy snail just pulled more and more into my shell.
The like-minded homeschoolers I've met over the years somehow all live far enough away to make going to meetups an endeavor of Herculean proportions. At least half an hour to an hour and a half drive to get anywhere. No one close enough to us to just casually drop in on the way to somewhere. And as school became more intense I found it hard to choose between having a consistent school day that let me get academics covered and having social time with these people who it took real effort to meet. Somehow I never figured out the secret that other people seem to have mastered of doing it all. I could either have educated kids or socialization time for myself, but not both. So we retreated to scouts as the primary socialization for the kids, which satisfied their needs, but not mine.
Lately the younger kids have found a tribe of neighborhood kids to run around with and play with. But again I cannot seem to connect with the parents of any of these kids. This grandmother tells her kids that homeschooling is bad though doesn't seem to prevent her kids from running around with mine, these immigrants seem happy to have their kids play with ours, but don't seem to want to socialize themselves. No one seems eager to connect and I don't know how to overcome the combination of my own shyness and their reluctance. I need an extrovert friend to be the bridgemaker.
I guess since moving here I've lost the trick of attaching myself to the extroverts who bring me into the social circle? Is it because there are too many small cultural differences between Texas and New England? Maybe? Is it because of the stage in life where people are just too busy? Is it the greater geographical distances between people that make it harder for communities to form? Is it some combination of all of the above? I don't know. I just know that I don't know how to create the kind of community that I crave and at this stage in my life I've come to an uneasy resignation that I might never recover that golden age of my youth when my college friends just dropped by on me and I just dropped in on them.
I also had that friendship golden age in college and don't know how to get it again. Don't really have any advice, just sympathy <3
I read all of this but feel this to a T: "I guess since moving here I've lost the trick of attaching myself to the extroverts who bring me into the social circle? Is it because there are too many small cultural differences between Texas and New England? Maybe? Is it because of the stage in life where people are just too busy? Is it the greater geographical distances between people that make it harder for communities to form? Is it some combination of all of the above? I don't know. I just know that I don't know how to create the kind of community that I crave and at this stage in my life I've come to an uneasy resignation that I might never recover that golden age of my youth when my college friends just dropped by on me and I just dropped in on them."
I have also lived in some places in the south (Texas included) and the north (both NYC and Long Island, as well as growing up in Minnesota and currently in Wisconsin with my family). When we were in Long Island (2020-2021, so the height of COVID!) we actually had some of the closest and dearest friendships in our few year old marriage. Two other families with young children like us were there for short term, professional work (like postdocs and one in residency). They didn't have family nearby like us, and wanted to make the most of it. We became like a mini friend pod, and ate together all the time at each others' places and had last minute get togethers on the beach. Us ladies got together, and so did the husbands. It truly was special and incredibly lifegiving for all of us. The combination of the particular people provided us, a narrowing of options due to Covid exposure risks, and the lack of other ties or family in the midst of parenting littles I think really drew us together. (And there was one extrovert who drove much of it! haha)
Fast forward and we will have been in Wisconsin for 3 years come September. We've had plenty of troubles finding and sticking with a church, which is part of it. But this smaller city truly has so many people who have been here forever with family all around and often have longtime friends. It's just.... a different vibe when it comes to forming friendships. There's not that fire in the belly that fellow transplants have. Part of it is also that so many people we encounter homeschool and that stage of life is just more demanding and structured than the season of baby and toddler outings. We've had a few folks over for dinner, and have gone to a few houses in return, but nothing has really stuck. My husband and I have both gotten pretty discouraged after two previous wonderful community experiences together prior to this move. Being new to a tight-knit place as a parent of littles is pretty tough. We've recently been going to church which surprisingly has some transplants and others that seem welcoming (even was invited to dinner) so we'll see.
I am also in search of an extrovert to bring into their friend group. You have described my struggles making new connections in a new state perfectly.
I kind of want to try hosting some kind of event that could help bring people together from my parish or something, but I’m afraid either no one would show up or worse they will and we’ll all just sit staring at each other awkwardly after five minutes because I won’t be able to keep people talking.
I move from CT to MA, and I know what you mean. People are not friendly here.
I am an extrovert, and I had to put in a lot of effort to make friends. My kids are also extroverts, so for me it was essential to our family that I figure this out, and made it worth taking time away from other projects (sounds like this is not the case for you).
I am usually the person initiating, even in relationships that are a few years old. I have other families over my house all the time, these invitations are almost never reciprocated.
My kids are not homeschooled, and attend a small, somewhat dysfunctional Catholic school. Being in a school really helped us make friends. Homeschooling is great, but it is not right for our family for a variety of reasons.
FWIW, I really, really, really think that the problem is that people are too busy. Most people I reach out to want to be friends and want to socialize. But this is an expensive place to live, and most families need two full time jobs to make it work. When they are not working, they are trying to run their household and spend time with their kids. The house is messy, the kids are hungry, and mom is too overwhelmed to imagine trying to socialize on top of everything else. It's much easier to put on the TV for the kids then it is to try to figure out a playdate.
My town is a bit northeast of Boston, and some friends live in very social neighborhoods. These neighborhoods probably exist in your town, too, but it takes effort to find them (and it's impossible to move now, lol).
No advice, just hugs. ❤️ My heart goes out to you.
If you lived in Rochester, NY, I would have you over. I am very extroverted and my (more introverted, Hobbit-like) husband says I practice "attack friendship." I see other parents at the library or a new person at church and go right over and trade phone numbers and invite them to dinner. Kindergarten-style: "Do you want to be friends?" Some people never come to dinner, but the ones who do, I try to connect to other people who might be a fit with them, maybe in life stage, interests, or similar ages of children. I can't be everyone's best friend, but hopefully I can help them get connected to other people. And I can feed everyone who shows up at my house once a week.
My husband and I moved here from out of state over a decade ago, knowing zero people. That first year of not having any friends was rough. We prayed and prayed and prayed to find friends. Eventually we found an existing community, which was totally the Holy Spirit. Now I fish for friends to invite them in, because I know someone is sitting at home, or going out and trying and then coming home again feeling defeated, wishing they had friends, just like we used to.
Thank you so much for doing this! If done well, there should be one or two “attack friends” in every community getting everyone connected. Us quieter folks really do appreciate it!
I have also been surprised how long it’s taken just to recover from the overwhelm of moving states. It was almost a year before I felt I had the real bandwidth to start trying to intentionally search for and invest in new friendships.
I wish I had a community. I feel kind of stuck honestly. My academic and artist friends have unconventional schedules and drop in on each other... us corporate 9 to 5 normies really struggle in comparison.
We bought a home in a suburb of NJ and there's some kids my toddler's age. I never see them around evenings/weekends so assume they have different schedules than we do. We got to know our next door neighbor who has a grand daughter and pool and keeps saying he wants us to come over "sometime" but no invitation comes. I went so far as to offer some weekends we are free... We have invited about every couple we know over for dinner and only one reciprocated. My poor husband was so dismayed he just asked if we could stop trying.
I used to commute for work which was very destructive to all of us. My new job is WFH and I'm using the additional 2hrs a day to meal prep, do internet yoga, cuddle kids, garden our .25 acre, and learn to drive (I'm a Brooklyn native). I would love to go to a studio for yoga but that would take time away from my tiny kiddos; another way I might make friends though.
We did just start attending a new Episcopal church and have gotten to know some families there. I am trying to be bold and see if any of the moms would be up to a play date. Coffee hour is always buzzing with activity. No one is in walking distance though - it would require some scheduling and planning.
That's really the hardest thing. I want to get to know nearby people who can "drop in" for dinner if we have extra one night. So far, I don't know where to find them or they don't seem interested when invited. 100% interested in any advice fellow moms can provide!
Rosaria Butterfield wrote a book called "The Gospel Comes With a House Key." It's an amazingly-intense recounting of deeply-Christian, sincerely-messy/unpretentious hospitality flowing with love.
I went to¹ a half day² "mini conference" where she spoke. She STARTED OUT with the story of the day the Feds knocked on her door. There was a raid on the house of her neighbor across the street. Her shy, reclusive neighbor, an older man who associated with few others besides her family, was arrested for... having a meth lab. Soon, her whole anxious neighborhood piled into her house (because being in and out of her family's house was normal to them). A bit later, one of those stressed, startled neighbors whose lives (and property values!) just got shaken up a bunch that morning poured himself the last drop of coffee she'd made, and made his point out loud: "You know, the problem with you Christians is... you're too gullible." (I re-told parts of the "drug bust" story to non-Christian friends repeatedly for the next few weeks.)
By the time I left the conference, I was ready to invite people over to my apartment, like now! In fact--emotionally, I was in different "zone" of agency/excitement/encouraged-ness, and I didn't want to LOSE steam: I was going to invite over our close obvious friend TODAY. That afternoon. HOWEVER, The Plan was not without obstacles. Our family's predictable failure mode occurred: While the kids and I were cleaning up the house, a quarrel broke out. I turned to my then-7-Y.O.--the younger participant in this quarrel, and the one with the most physical proximity to me--and spoke these words: "I have something I need to tell you... I'm really emotional.. because... the lady who spoke this morning... It sounds like she has people over at her house at LEAST 6 days a week!" My 7 Y.O. replied "That. IS. Awesome." And he returned to dealing with dishes or loading the dishwasher or whatever, (but not to the quarrel!) newly-galvanized to our purpose! We got done in time to invite my friend and her kids over--it happened to be exactly what she needed at that moment. That was the first day I got up the courage to invite her to my Bible Study. (though I'd known her for months-n-months / a couple years?) And she came to it!! And was loved, and saw it as her own.
And for awhile, I didn't know myself. A week later, my older son and I were planning his birthday party. We were talking about it in the car, when my husband, who was driving the car, asked us a question. Suddenly, I realized that we'd NEVER told him. We just decided to do it. We laughed. Here I was, and typically-antsy, neurotic, "I have to check everything out with hubbie first" me... had forgotten to even INFORM him we were inviting a half-dozen kids or so over to our place for a party... rather soon! And it was fine. When we had the party... one of the taller, older kids literally hid during hide-n-seek on the TOP SHELF of my sons' closet! What on earth? That was a little nutty, and something I wouldve gotten freaked out about in years past, but.. it was fine! It didn't faze me / make me fret "oh no, this is a disaster and I need to prevent things this crazy from happening at all costs!" like it would have in days before.
So my overall suggestions:
1. GET encouragement. "Eat up" stories that have breadth about genuine Christian hospitality. (Leah's obviously got her "Building the Benedict Option" book--lol, two books written about hospitality by amazingly-nerdy,³ really-academically-trained women!) But don't assume you have to do things -exactly- like they did because of course you won't.
2. Consider that YOUR HOUSE might have to be the "hub" for hospitality for your neighborhood(s) - or maybe at least the parents there - for awhile, if much total volume of neighborliness is going to exist!
3. With this 3rd one I -may- not know what I'm talking about; it was a thought I had during the conference, but I think I'm right: Don't over-obsess about making your hospitality plans around specific particular acquaintances! I feel like I've heard SO MANY (beloved) fellow Evangelical friends talk in a weirdly-overobsessed-sounding way, saying some variant of: "I think God is calling me to witness to / minister to / focus on neighbor-family X, but they are always so hesitant when I invite them over, I think they're putting me off." Maybe instead, make your doorway generally MORE POROUS, and let yourselves have a reputation as "they are sane / legit / fun / kind family"; then the specific people you were dreaming of "investing in" might wander in.
A couple memorable suggestions from Butterfield:
1. We do all of this through prayer. Start first with prayer. "Unless the Lord builds a house..." (idk if she cited that verse, or my brain was just like "this is where she's going.")
2. Sometimes we need to give hospitality, sometimes we need to receive hospitality. (I know that seems to conflict with my #2 suggestion, but it will surely be applicable to many / nearly everyone at some time. And it was given for the specific context where I live.)
EDIT: second paragraph had something ambiguous-sounding that I fixed.
The footnotes from that comment, because that's how I roll:
[1] i literally felt a little awkward deciding to go because i'd read internet drama connected to her--in spite of the fact she semi doesn't even do social media (!) it was a talk or Q&A she'd given--some months or years previously! (lol @ the internet.) I'm extremely glad I did! She's off doing her own thing, and it's flowing with hope and fearless godliness.
[2] lol, the women of my church only sparing half a day for the "Women's Conference" is deep irony--but HEY, you figure out what works for the local community that you're embedded in! And whoever made that call made the right call!
[3] Butterfield talks about how in SOME well-known fictional work written in idk, 0-300 AD, there was a comical theme where a guy takes advantage of the hospitality of Christians, b/c they're so gullible. She also references the way that some... anthropologist's paper or essay about "which groups of people eat together" was a really sorta central text for the gay & lesbian communities going through the 1990s AIDS crisis... or maybe just academics & feminists she knew, but I think the former. (Which made me want to read that writing, but I forgot to.)
YES! I read The Gospel Comes with a Housekey and was so encouraged!! Now I'm encouraged by you too! So cool you got to hear her in person!
We have hosted an open invite weekly dinner every week for eight years. It started with inviting over two or three friends, and now two weeks ago we had over thirty adults and ten kids in our (small) house and spilling into the (small) backyard! This week was smaller, only like fifteen adults and three kids. It varies, but there are new people every week.
We invite people we meet walking dogs, people with kids at the library, people who post on nextdoor that they just moved to town and are looking for friends, people at church.
RSVP optional, bringing a dish admired but not required, just bring yourself and a friend.
I love your story about hosting the birthday party. I think regular low-key hosting/hospitality makes us more open to using our homes for whatever God sends your way. When my friend (who is a single mom and a total planner and rockstar) was going to host a birthday party for her son at the church hall and then the hall got accidently double booked, I said, "We can have it at my house!" I was very pregnant, would be hosting open invite dinner the night before, and it would be 17 kids (mostly preschoolers) and their parents. I said, "Sure! It'll be fun!" And it was!
Just start!
(I should say we host *almost* every week. We skip weeks when we're traveling and I only hosted community dinner twice in the first six months after having my baby. Though I hosted up until a couple weeks before my due date! Once he was over six months old, we got back into our swing of weekly dinner hosting. It's a great life. We're so blessed it's absurd. I want everyone to have what we have.)
Our story and encouragement to others to try hosting dinners:
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/
I SO appreciate your comments here. I just got an email from our church subject line "who is our neighbor?" CHILLS
Oh, also I now see that one of my suggestions may have seriously failed to hit the mark because you wrote "I want to get to know nearby people who can "drop in" for dinner if we have extra one night. So far, I don't know where to find them or they don't seem interested when invited." (oof!)
...and my brain was still off on your recollection of "We have invited about every couple we know over for dinner and only one reciprocated. My poor husband was so dismayed he just asked if we could stop trying." (!! argh.)
Tell more about the situation if you feel like it; I'd love to hear!
Lol! So we know a good deal of millennial couples between our friend groups. Most agree to come over for dinner but just never invite us over and it feels like maybe they just don't like us very much, or maybe don't want to deal with kids?? It's hard to tell. We invited the Christian friends that do reciprocate and are great hosts to our son's recent baptism and actually had no response from either of them. Kind of sad, I thought they would have declined at least.
We have had one elderly neighbor over for coffee. I know there is a homeschool mom of 4 down the block. I have never actually seen her around, I just know this from the internet. Should I DM her, is that creepy?
I just keep trying things and feeling like nobody actually wants to see us. Maybe, we are not great company. Or I need better things to offer than dinner or coffee. I promise my husband is an excellent chef and we pay a cleaning service besides our own efforts - I don't think it's an environmental thing. We are both east coast natives. People here are pretty reserved!
I don't worry about being creepy. 😂 I just invite people over all the time. "I saw your post on nextdoor about being new to the area, here's my address and dinner details, stop by any Friday!" (And sometimes they do!) My house is mess and I'm not a chef. I make pasta and rice and beans because they're lower unit cost. No one seems to mind.
My husband is a Hobbit and enjoys the comforts of home. (It took several years of marriage for my very extroverted self to fully understand and accept this.) So hosting and not getting invited back is actually ideal for us. He gets to see friends once a week and doesn't have to leave his house. And he gets to kick everyone out at 7:15pm.
When I was working 9-5, our open invite dinners were just oven pizzas I'd throw in when I got home. Doors open at 5:30, dinner at 6, send out at 7:15. If more people came, I boiled pasta. Most people were coming directly from work and our having food made lowered the friction for people of "once you get home from work you have inertia and don't want to go back out to an event."
A secular hosting book (not as life changing as The Gospel Comes with a Housekey, but good that it exists!) I recently read was The 2 Hour Cocktail party by Nick Gray, he's trying to encourage people to host "the minimum viable party" and invite random neighbors and acquaintances, because he's been doing it for years and it's been great for him.
We’ve met many neighbors since moving into our house 2 years ago-mostly through casual daily greetings (with those whom we have adjoining yards -we both do tons of garden/yard work) and walks through the neighborhood. Even amongst those who are willing to meet, it is so so hard to coordinate even a simple dinner when everyone has different work schedules, children’s bedtimes, etc. -we had one dinner meeting that took months to find a date that worked. I think there’s just not enough regular communal routines that put us all in the same spaces without the pressure of logistics and planning, which suck so much energy out of everyone.
But the largest barrier to getting to know a lot of our neighbors better is...dogs. Pets have become such a casual fixture of modern life that people are pretty lazy about using leashes, fences, locking doors, etc., and I frequently find myself in the awkwardly infuriating position of feeling like I’m expected to apologize for my small children being scared of strange animals instead of dog owners taking responsibility for their animals. It makes the few ripe opportunities for neighborly interaction, like Halloween, very tricky to navigate.
Our friends from church were renovating an old farmhouse and let us know when the property across the street went up for sale. It ended up being a good fit at a good time, and they finished up their renovations as we had our third child... then a month later we moved into our respective houses at the same time.
Our house is set up like a duplex with a basement apartment, and part of the reason we decided to buy it was so we could rent out the space to another family. We found a family from our church that has been a great fit with two kids. We have nine people sleeping under our roof and a couple (infertile and very supportive our of families) directly across the street.
The friend across the street was able to watch the kids with zero notice when I had to take my dad to the hospital while he was visiting from out of state. The three of us homemakers swap kitchen items, ice cream makers, and extra baked goods several times a week.
We live on a rural block (everyone has ~5 acres), and we have tried to get to know the neighbors outside our little community (including the 8000 sq ft - not a typo - mansion being built next door). My husband is great at outreach and has been swapping tools with the man up the street. The owners of an empty parcel of land next door let us graze our cow on their side of the fence and invited us to their 4th of July party.
Almost a year into living here feels a bit like living the dream. There is still work to be done, and there is still a noticable difference between us, the "crazy Catholic homesteaders" and the groomed lawns and isolated, set-back houses of the rest of the block.
I used to have drop-in relationships with several similarly-aged neighbors/friends when I was younger, but I live somewhere else now and currently don't. Among other factors, it probably doesn't help that my new street is a fairly major thoroughfare, rather than a more secluded neighborhood, so it feels like more of an undertaking to cross it, or even to go next door.
I love thinking about these things. I think my community gets some of this very right indeed and I'd love to see us get better at it. Meal trains, for example: no new baby arrives at my church without one. I honestly forget that people who aren't part of a church or other thick community have to care for a newborn without regular meal deliveries! I'm also thrilled to live near enough to one of my church friends to meet up for almost-spontaneous stroller walks. (I still text first!)
But she's just one friend and isn't always available. I'd love to have a whole community of people I could text for meetups, whether that meant making friends with more of my neighbors or having more of my church friends live within walking distance. Both of those are difficult for me to imagine, though, unfortunately.
We moved to a neighborhood near our Catholic Bible Study Center and our church and convinced friends to move within walking distance. It was a dream for a decade and now it's a reality! Over the last three and a half years about a dozen Catholic families have moved within a few blocks of each other. It's been such a wild and joyful Holy Spirit thing!
https://open.substack.com/pub/katedominguez/p/guest-post-griffin-jones-on-intentional?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2p30h7
Our dinner hosting experience, hopefully to inspire further experiments in hosting science!
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/