Came here to say similar to an earlier commenter — my parents were 37 and 41 when I was born (youngest of 4 kids). My husband is also the youngest of parents similarly aged. My dad lived to see my first four born, but as I was 30 when I started having children, and neither of my parents were in great health, and my in-laws also are not healthy (one developed dementia a few years ago), we are on our own with five kids under 8. None of our parents could pick up our toddlers once they hit 75. My husband and I have a primary goal to stay as strong and fit as possible so we can be present and active for our kids when they start having families. So weight lifting, cardiac health, good food so we’re not packing extra pounds around. Sunlight etc. The best retirement plan in the world can’t buy you health at 60 if you haven’t done the work at 30, 40, and 50. Edited to add: my parents were amazing in so many ways. Their health in some ways reflects the generational shift in America from farm labor to sedentary intellectual work (thanks car-centric urban planning), without a lot of the knowledge we have now about good diet and activity. I don’t blame them at all for where they ended up physically. I just want to be able to do more for my own kids, and pass on the many gifts they gave me!
"None of our parents could pick up our toddlers once they hit 75."
This is a really different motivation for fitness than was ever presented in school. I don't really care about sports, but gym class was never presented as about expanding/retaining capacity for vibrant life.
One of the group classes I take at the YMCA is Thrive Cardio Strength, which comprises called dancing to music, followed by hand weights. It's targeted toward seniors; at 40 I'm the youngest one in the class. But it fits my schedule and is a fun light workout for me.
I'm glad that our teacher often discusses expanding/retaining capacity for vibrant life. This includes picking up grandchildren, as well as maintaining independence. I think it's appropriate for me to start thinking about that now, even as I simultaneously am planning one last baby.
I regret not getting more of a glimpse into and preparation for the Mother stage of life when I was a Maiden. I'm now thoroughly enjoying being a Mother, but appreciate glimpses into the Crone stage so I can prepare for that better.
My parents are 78, and frail. They can barely get out of a chair, let alone pick up a toddler. In 10 years they will probably require a caregiver, because what happens when they can't safely get on and off of the toilet or shower, and/or fall and break a hip?
You definitely have to move your body and eat good (real) food. For women, protein is very important, especially post menopause, as we lose lean body mass faster and have less muscle to begin with. So much of this is within our control. I am 48, and daily taking steps to make sure that at 78 I can be a strong active grandma. My parents are a great motivation for me.
Yes, to more protein. Weight-bearing exercise (lifting) is especially important to preventing bone fractures in older women as it builds more dense bone… or at least prevents further bone loss if you start late. The earlier you start, the better. I don’t think our farmer ancestors needed weights because of all the water-carrying, butter churning, weaving, and other heavy work they used to do… I have a picture of my great-grandmother, her mother, and her mother, they are all fit and lean, even in middle and old age. But we don’t have that work built in to our lifestyles, so some form of weight lifting is essential.
Yes. My mom grew up on a farm, but except for gardening, has never been interested in other exercise for health or fun. The result is that she gets much less activity than she thinks. She and my MIL are always asking to carry things for me, despite the fact that I frequently have my 20 lb baby in one arm and a toddler slung over my other shoulder-they’re much weaker than they realize. My in-laws always get excited about seeing the kids but then get really agitated when they are reminded of how physical playing with little kids really is, as they can’t lift them either. I regularly feel like I’ve survived an MMA cage match after getting all 3 of my kids into car seats. Being an active grandparent requires a lot of strength & stamina.
Grandmother of five, I recently retired to be more available to my geographically close and far children and grandchildren. My final calculation was the fact that I had enough. I could have continued to work and had “more” but at the cost of missing some of the moments I’m now able to see. None of us are promised tomorrow.
I recently wrote a piece on home sharing https://comment.org/everyone-wants-their-own-place/ and Ive been mulling over the idea of a multi generational living compound. My own mother died young so I didn't benefit from the active grandmother effect (or as anthropology puts it "the grandmother hypothesis" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandmother_hypothesis ) but that's made me more determined to offer support for my daughter. I have no particular intentions of retiring early but have been building a life and work structure that could make sense for my children to join as adults. For example, when the organization I direct put in a new playground I noticed the 30 year warranty on the equipment and thought "my grandchildren will play on this." As we're opening a daycare I've told my daughter "i wish i had this when my kids were babies but hopefully it will be here for your kids." I can't make my children locate near me, but i can offer the support and infrastructure of a life built with intention if they do. My husband and I also own apartments so, as a bonus, i can guarantee affordable housing.
Mary Ellen, I love this and have your article pulled up to read.
My husband and I have also thought about this the other way around too... we've tried to build a life in Cincinnati that our parents might be interested in stepping into and building alongside us if they'd ever want to move here.
I can clearly see the effect of the work schedules of the previous generation in the birth/postpartum experiences of me and my sister-in-law (we are married to brothers, so we share the same mother-in-law). For context, until 2018 our mother-in-law was a school lunch lady, so she had a school year work schedule. That meant she couldn’t be as physically present or physically helpful in the way she would have wished at my sister-in-law’s three births, which were in April, October, and late August. By comparison, my births were in July and September, but the September one was after she had retired so she provided TONS of help when I was postpartum with two toddlers. This made a huge difference in our respective postpartum experiences!
The support that I have received from my parents as well as my in-laws has really crystallized my desire to support them as they age. My parents and in-laws are all currently in good mental and physical health, but I won’t hesitate to ask/encourage them to move closer to us in the future if that means they spend more of their final years close to their children and grandchildren. I’m also basically planning on being their caregiver because I am the only one in the family who has a job that will allow that. I’m trying to maximize my earnings in this precious gap between not paying for child care and not providing elder care so that when I have to dial back again we’ll be able to afford to have me do so. My husband and I also bought a house that is conducive to opening to elderly relatives (only one story, front steps could be easily converted to a ramp, very open floor plan, etc.) and if our zoning ever allows for ADUs (which it currently doesn’t) we have space to build one on our lot.
I'm a young grandmother who never worked full time, so I can't technically say I'm retired. I still have two in high school, but life feels relatively easy. I know many women in my situation, and they often feel this subtle pressure to get a job. Sometimes, it's about money, but sometimes, it's just to do something meaningful with your time.
You can have grandchildren and be willing to help, but if they don't live near you, then that is not a regular thing. So, you can be stuck in a dilemma of wanting to be available and not committed to a job. But that brings its own challenge because there may be periods when you want to and feel like you can and should be doing more.
My own response has been to try to live what I call (in my head) the apostolate of availability. So my radar is up for ways I can help people and organizations that are near me, but not things that will put me in a situation where I have to say no to my daughter when she needs help.
Yes it’s a helpful framework. And I forgot to mention that at my age I also need to be available to aging parents who also don’t live nearby. Living below our means has definitely allowed me to live this way.
I love that phrase, as well. What you describe is definitely the path my mom chose. She hasn't worked even part time in a while, but is available to assist many people and things going on in her area. And though I wish my own family could live closer to my parents, they (and she especially) are able to hop in a car and make the 4.5 hour trip to see us. I'm thankful for her deliberate flexibility, espeically as I had to suddenly be induced last week with our fourth child!
Long time reader, and first time commenter here! What an amazing and thoughtful piece. My husband and I always lived below our means, and when he became unexpectedly disabled at 52, I suddenly became the breadwinner. We have not had a ton of help from our families, and I have really been grateful for the riches of our neighbors and churches which have made our lives stable. I'd say that I am a) planning to possibly build an ADU in the backyard in case my son or daughter needs my house (which, for the DMV, is cheap for 2025, although it wasn't when we bought) and b) I would hope to help either or both children with down payments.
My husband and I had kids really early in life (married at 20, first kid at 22, second just shy of my 24th birthday), and both our parents were in their 20s when they had us.
The thing I notice most is just how much ENERGY I had when I was a young parent, that now (while lots of my peers or just 5 yr younger or so having kids) I can't *imagine* having young children now (just turned 40).
I work PT and my FT homeschooling years are tapering off - 1 graduating this year, another 2 years down the road. We have both talked about my role as always working 1-2 PT jobs to make room for grand-parenting in the future. Both our kids talk about having kids someday, so I hope it works out that way. Our parents were all working FT when we had little ones, and although we had a few weekend sleepovers (bliss) here and there in their earliest years, we did feel like we missed out a tad on grandparent help; though didn't assume it was an entitlement.
Were we behind in equity? (yes, we tried selling our house we ONLY bought for updating to cash out - during 2008 crisis)
Were we not able to save as much by having kids early + not saving as much? Also yes. We are making up for that (and compound interest!) now, but we live in Canada and don't have to worry about healthcare costs.
Do we regret it? No. And living below our means and being forced to be VERY creative with finances when so young + with multiple mouths to feed on 1 primary income has helped us learn a LOT about what truly are wants and needs, and how to make it work. But it's not glamorous.
We are looking forward to 'just us' again and look forward to grandparenting with anticipation (many of our kids' wooden toys/books getting saved even in our 900 sq ft rental).
I am all for this- my issue is finding someone to marry in the first place! XD How do people do THAT? I am fairly religious (Catholic but also half Jewish XD) but not that conservative, and i find that many guys who are religious and interested in marriage are also quite conservative, which is becoming more of a divide by the day, it feels like. any advice?
People will sometimes say to join a hobby where you can find likeminded people, but that may not get you across a political or religious divide.
For my own part, I tried to be the gathering point for very me-flavored events (play readings, debates, book clubs). So I was getting to meet the friends of friends I was most likely to get along with, and they had a very strong impression of me.
One consideration that I've made in my life, actually in acknowledgment of the fact that I had my kids relatively later in life, is paying very close attention to my health and trying to do whatever I can to ensure that I can be active as long as possible for the sake of grandparenting.
On the younger-to-middle side: Due to being a single-income family of six just coming out of the breadwinner's last round of grad school, we have not been able to focus on our own retirement in any particular way, although we have plans to set aside a certain percentage in a disciplined way once things settle. Most of our kids' grandparents still work for now, and we are moving to be VERY close to them (and our family friends) in the near future, with an eye towards both more grandparent time for the kids and for us being more available to care for them as they age. Insofar as we are ambitious as a couple, it is ambition aimed towards relationships and fullness of life for us and for our kids.
Yes. We have always lived pretty frugally and have hoped to have grandchildren, but when I became a grandmother, it became even clearer to me the priority that it had in my life.
Recently married at 29 and only able to think about kids because we live with my wonderful in laws — and we both have good, almost 6 figure jobs. But student debt and healthcare expenses are insurmountable. We budget carefully and I cannot figure out how we would pay for daycare and a mortgage right now. Maybe it’s an east coast problem?
Certainly an “expensive metro area” problem. For some encouragement, I was once in very similar circumstances to yours: married at 28, six figures of student debt, but good job in an East coast city with extremely high cost of living. By being very focused and aggressive, we paid off our debt within a couple of years around the time our first child (and scary medical bills for a NICU stay) arrived. I share this to show that 1) it can be done and also 2) it’s extremely difficult, so if it seems impossible, you’re not off-base. It was largely the hellacious couple years of forcibly living without childcare due to COVID lockdowns that enabled us to save relatively quickly for a house down payment after paying off our debt. I never want to repeat that experience, but not paying for daycare was a huge silver lining.
> Have you campaigned to get a grandparent to retire or move closer?
No! But here's why.
On one side of the family, the Big Dream of my husband's parents was: "Take early retirement, move overseas, care for orphans." When my kids were little, that's where they were. We were support for them, and that was right and good; we were all in it together. (Now that circumstances brought them back state-side, they are near us.)
The other side of the family is different... my mom died at the age of 59, during my Junior year of college. (It turns out that RE: Jesus' treasure-trove of "mothers and brothers and sisters in this life"... He is sometimes willing to open it up even if the reason you've lost your mother isn't "for the sake of the gospel." There were a zillion older women ready and willing to rush in and love me like a daughter, everywhere I've lived.)
My dad was kiiind of relationally-dysfunctional - overbearing in a blustering sort of way, loud on opinions when around family (though omitting his own opinions in the presence of strangers), starting abrasive arguments with the people closest to him - the Proverbs picture of a "fool" fitted a bit too well for my dad in his 50s and 60s.
One of the great quests of my life was healing my relationship with Dad. Dad and I did this over Skype, year by year. I raged in my thoughts on my bed when things went badly. I prayed desperately for wisdom, and for Dad to change year after year. I devoured every piece of wisdom that might shed light upon this quest of mine--scripture, novels, non-fic, anecdotes from old folks and from young. Once, after a Skype call with Dad, I quickly COVERED a piece of paper with NOTES from the intense conversation we had which had gone well SO many places: then I had all these pieces of info readily-at-hand to guide myself: "What works? What doesn't? What is a sore spot? What subject did WE both find interesting?"
My abilities in parenting and in leadership, I am certain, were greatly impacted by this; it was a project of God's love reaching out to the lost son. If I didn't try, (and REALLY try - not say "well, I tried my best" and shrug my shoulders helplessly) I would have had "a hole in my integrity"; a silent secret and an empty misery to suppress or to rant about uselessly. I learned so much about loving others. And even with his somewhat truncated ability to relate to others, he still was powerful to speak blessing over me, and, yes, eventually, even encourage his daughter with fatherly approval. It was as glorious as it was bizarre. (Dad passed away in January 2023, aged 80.)
I have been thinking about this a lot lately because for years, I couldn't wait for my parents to retire and move closer to us. We lived in the same metro area for most of the time I've had kids, but over an hour away. Now they are 8 minutes away. But my kids are older now (ranging in age from 18-9) and I don't need the same type of help I did fifteen years ago when both of my parents were working full time.
I was young when I had kids but so were my parents and they weren't in the position to retire. Now that they have, my kids are older and incorporating them into our life hasn't been as easy as I anticipated. Having older kids is a different type of busy and often requires me coordinating with my parents so that they can join us for the various activities my kids are in rather than relying on them for help the way I did when the kids were younger. If my dad had retired even five years earlier it would have been a much different situation but they were not in the financial position to do so. I don’t want to diminish how nice it is to have them over for dinner randomly or to know they are nearby in case of an emergency but overall, their retirement and proximity hasn’t really increased how much we see them.
On the contrary, my sister is pregnant with twins and will benefit from our parents being retired but they are also considerably older and have some health issues. She lives across the country and it is yet to be seen what arrangement will be worked out for them to visit/help.
I love this conversation. I read I Will Teach You to be Rich when I first got married and we tried to live on one income, though we were making two. It really helped us save up for a down payment on a house.
With savings and grandparents, two things come to mind for me:
1. Make memories now, in whatever season of life you're in. Save for the future, but don't live for the future.
My dad lived frugally, paid off his house aggressively, and turned down career opportunities so he could be home for dinner every night with his kids. We went on vacation as a family every year (I was in the younger set of kids, the older kids didn't have annual vacations because money was more tight then) and made memories as a family. My dad died of brain cancer in his fifties. If he had waited for retirement to make memories with us, we all would have missed out. I cry when I watch the movie About Time because if my dad could re-live his life over again, knowing its length, I really don't think he would do anything differently.
2. Prioritize building community wherever you are. If attempting to convince relatives to move near you is attractive to you, to what environment are you inviting them?
I got married and moved to a new state after college and found (through the Holy Spirit) amazing Catholic community. My husband and I are all in on putting down roots here and building community here.
Years ago, I convinced my younger brother to move here (he's now married and has a baby and his house is three blocks away from mine in the Catholic neighborhood we're growing, he met his now-wife at a community dinner at my house) and I convinced my mom to move here after she retired (first my mom rented on the opposite sides of a duplex my husband and I were renting, now her house is nine houses down from mine on the same side of the street). My mom and I get along great and I always told her when I was growing up that she should live near me and I'd take care of her when she got old.
When I was working, one of my best friends nannied three days a week for me and my mom watched my daughter one full work day, plus she gave me tons of help outside of work. Now I'm a stay-at-home mom in this season of life, and I see my mom pretty much every day, as do my kids. Plus we live in a neighborhood with a growing number of Catholic stay-at-home moms and their kids. It's the greatest. I really am living the dream.
My dad's frugality, savings, and life insurance allowed my mom to afford a house where we live (which is not a cheap area). It's hard to tell other people "just have parents who made X and Y good choices in the past, so you can have grandparent help now," but I guess we can make choices now to try to help each other and our future grandchildren.
Thank you for telling me your dad's story! A big way I approach memento mori in my life is that my current life *does* need to be a good life (and it is!).
For me, this comes up most in not wishing away a hard time of life (e.g. wishing the month or so between a positive pregnancy test and seeing a heartbeat would just GO AWAY), versus needing to embrace the time I'm given as though it's the only time I have.
Ohh, that's so hard, not wishing away a hard time of life.
We decided our family motto would be Memento Mori. I will have to apply it in this way, mentally!
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What you've shared on miscarriages has helped me pray for and be there for my friends who have had miscarriages. My heart goes out to you.
We've been dealing with infertility for years and want more children (I'm so, so thankful to have been blessed with my two!) so part of me each month, after the initial disappointment, wants to fast forward to the next chance to conceive a baby. But this is my life, the life lived in the waiting. And it is a good life. The pretty fantastic parts just live alongside the ache.
Trying is a hard season because you have regularly(ish) scheduled times of great joy-or-disappointment to look forward to. It's like if Christmas was every month but a lot of the time it wasn't Christmas, it was something sad and you wouldn't know which till that morning.
It is. But maybe it can be a Little Women Christmas morning, from the beginning of the book, where I would love to enjoy the Christmas breakfast myself, but get to let go and give it up as a small act of love. The girls leave the Hummel's house still hungry but happy.
Came here to say similar to an earlier commenter — my parents were 37 and 41 when I was born (youngest of 4 kids). My husband is also the youngest of parents similarly aged. My dad lived to see my first four born, but as I was 30 when I started having children, and neither of my parents were in great health, and my in-laws also are not healthy (one developed dementia a few years ago), we are on our own with five kids under 8. None of our parents could pick up our toddlers once they hit 75. My husband and I have a primary goal to stay as strong and fit as possible so we can be present and active for our kids when they start having families. So weight lifting, cardiac health, good food so we’re not packing extra pounds around. Sunlight etc. The best retirement plan in the world can’t buy you health at 60 if you haven’t done the work at 30, 40, and 50. Edited to add: my parents were amazing in so many ways. Their health in some ways reflects the generational shift in America from farm labor to sedentary intellectual work (thanks car-centric urban planning), without a lot of the knowledge we have now about good diet and activity. I don’t blame them at all for where they ended up physically. I just want to be able to do more for my own kids, and pass on the many gifts they gave me!
"None of our parents could pick up our toddlers once they hit 75."
This is a really different motivation for fitness than was ever presented in school. I don't really care about sports, but gym class was never presented as about expanding/retaining capacity for vibrant life.
One of the group classes I take at the YMCA is Thrive Cardio Strength, which comprises called dancing to music, followed by hand weights. It's targeted toward seniors; at 40 I'm the youngest one in the class. But it fits my schedule and is a fun light workout for me.
I'm glad that our teacher often discusses expanding/retaining capacity for vibrant life. This includes picking up grandchildren, as well as maintaining independence. I think it's appropriate for me to start thinking about that now, even as I simultaneously am planning one last baby.
I regret not getting more of a glimpse into and preparation for the Mother stage of life when I was a Maiden. I'm now thoroughly enjoying being a Mother, but appreciate glimpses into the Crone stage so I can prepare for that better.
My parents are 78, and frail. They can barely get out of a chair, let alone pick up a toddler. In 10 years they will probably require a caregiver, because what happens when they can't safely get on and off of the toilet or shower, and/or fall and break a hip?
You definitely have to move your body and eat good (real) food. For women, protein is very important, especially post menopause, as we lose lean body mass faster and have less muscle to begin with. So much of this is within our control. I am 48, and daily taking steps to make sure that at 78 I can be a strong active grandma. My parents are a great motivation for me.
Yes, to more protein. Weight-bearing exercise (lifting) is especially important to preventing bone fractures in older women as it builds more dense bone… or at least prevents further bone loss if you start late. The earlier you start, the better. I don’t think our farmer ancestors needed weights because of all the water-carrying, butter churning, weaving, and other heavy work they used to do… I have a picture of my great-grandmother, her mother, and her mother, they are all fit and lean, even in middle and old age. But we don’t have that work built in to our lifestyles, so some form of weight lifting is essential.
Yes. My mom grew up on a farm, but except for gardening, has never been interested in other exercise for health or fun. The result is that she gets much less activity than she thinks. She and my MIL are always asking to carry things for me, despite the fact that I frequently have my 20 lb baby in one arm and a toddler slung over my other shoulder-they’re much weaker than they realize. My in-laws always get excited about seeing the kids but then get really agitated when they are reminded of how physical playing with little kids really is, as they can’t lift them either. I regularly feel like I’ve survived an MMA cage match after getting all 3 of my kids into car seats. Being an active grandparent requires a lot of strength & stamina.
Grandmother of five, I recently retired to be more available to my geographically close and far children and grandchildren. My final calculation was the fact that I had enough. I could have continued to work and had “more” but at the cost of missing some of the moments I’m now able to see. None of us are promised tomorrow.
I recently wrote a piece on home sharing https://comment.org/everyone-wants-their-own-place/ and Ive been mulling over the idea of a multi generational living compound. My own mother died young so I didn't benefit from the active grandmother effect (or as anthropology puts it "the grandmother hypothesis" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandmother_hypothesis ) but that's made me more determined to offer support for my daughter. I have no particular intentions of retiring early but have been building a life and work structure that could make sense for my children to join as adults. For example, when the organization I direct put in a new playground I noticed the 30 year warranty on the equipment and thought "my grandchildren will play on this." As we're opening a daycare I've told my daughter "i wish i had this when my kids were babies but hopefully it will be here for your kids." I can't make my children locate near me, but i can offer the support and infrastructure of a life built with intention if they do. My husband and I also own apartments so, as a bonus, i can guarantee affordable housing.
I really liked your piece in Comment!
Mary Ellen, I love this and have your article pulled up to read.
My husband and I have also thought about this the other way around too... we've tried to build a life in Cincinnati that our parents might be interested in stepping into and building alongside us if they'd ever want to move here.
I can clearly see the effect of the work schedules of the previous generation in the birth/postpartum experiences of me and my sister-in-law (we are married to brothers, so we share the same mother-in-law). For context, until 2018 our mother-in-law was a school lunch lady, so she had a school year work schedule. That meant she couldn’t be as physically present or physically helpful in the way she would have wished at my sister-in-law’s three births, which were in April, October, and late August. By comparison, my births were in July and September, but the September one was after she had retired so she provided TONS of help when I was postpartum with two toddlers. This made a huge difference in our respective postpartum experiences!
The support that I have received from my parents as well as my in-laws has really crystallized my desire to support them as they age. My parents and in-laws are all currently in good mental and physical health, but I won’t hesitate to ask/encourage them to move closer to us in the future if that means they spend more of their final years close to their children and grandchildren. I’m also basically planning on being their caregiver because I am the only one in the family who has a job that will allow that. I’m trying to maximize my earnings in this precious gap between not paying for child care and not providing elder care so that when I have to dial back again we’ll be able to afford to have me do so. My husband and I also bought a house that is conducive to opening to elderly relatives (only one story, front steps could be easily converted to a ramp, very open floor plan, etc.) and if our zoning ever allows for ADUs (which it currently doesn’t) we have space to build one on our lot.
Yes, the major problem in our house is no first floor bathroom, so that will have to change one way or another in the long run
I'm a young grandmother who never worked full time, so I can't technically say I'm retired. I still have two in high school, but life feels relatively easy. I know many women in my situation, and they often feel this subtle pressure to get a job. Sometimes, it's about money, but sometimes, it's just to do something meaningful with your time.
You can have grandchildren and be willing to help, but if they don't live near you, then that is not a regular thing. So, you can be stuck in a dilemma of wanting to be available and not committed to a job. But that brings its own challenge because there may be periods when you want to and feel like you can and should be doing more.
My own response has been to try to live what I call (in my head) the apostolate of availability. So my radar is up for ways I can help people and organizations that are near me, but not things that will put me in a situation where I have to say no to my daughter when she needs help.
I love "the apostolate of availability"
Yes it’s a helpful framework. And I forgot to mention that at my age I also need to be available to aging parents who also don’t live nearby. Living below our means has definitely allowed me to live this way.
I love that phrase, as well. What you describe is definitely the path my mom chose. She hasn't worked even part time in a while, but is available to assist many people and things going on in her area. And though I wish my own family could live closer to my parents, they (and she especially) are able to hop in a car and make the 4.5 hour trip to see us. I'm thankful for her deliberate flexibility, espeically as I had to suddenly be induced last week with our fourth child!
Long time reader, and first time commenter here! What an amazing and thoughtful piece. My husband and I always lived below our means, and when he became unexpectedly disabled at 52, I suddenly became the breadwinner. We have not had a ton of help from our families, and I have really been grateful for the riches of our neighbors and churches which have made our lives stable. I'd say that I am a) planning to possibly build an ADU in the backyard in case my son or daughter needs my house (which, for the DMV, is cheap for 2025, although it wasn't when we bought) and b) I would hope to help either or both children with down payments.
My husband and I had kids really early in life (married at 20, first kid at 22, second just shy of my 24th birthday), and both our parents were in their 20s when they had us.
The thing I notice most is just how much ENERGY I had when I was a young parent, that now (while lots of my peers or just 5 yr younger or so having kids) I can't *imagine* having young children now (just turned 40).
I work PT and my FT homeschooling years are tapering off - 1 graduating this year, another 2 years down the road. We have both talked about my role as always working 1-2 PT jobs to make room for grand-parenting in the future. Both our kids talk about having kids someday, so I hope it works out that way. Our parents were all working FT when we had little ones, and although we had a few weekend sleepovers (bliss) here and there in their earliest years, we did feel like we missed out a tad on grandparent help; though didn't assume it was an entitlement.
Were we behind in equity? (yes, we tried selling our house we ONLY bought for updating to cash out - during 2008 crisis)
Were we not able to save as much by having kids early + not saving as much? Also yes. We are making up for that (and compound interest!) now, but we live in Canada and don't have to worry about healthcare costs.
Do we regret it? No. And living below our means and being forced to be VERY creative with finances when so young + with multiple mouths to feed on 1 primary income has helped us learn a LOT about what truly are wants and needs, and how to make it work. But it's not glamorous.
We are looking forward to 'just us' again and look forward to grandparenting with anticipation (many of our kids' wooden toys/books getting saved even in our 900 sq ft rental).
*looks at headlines*
*looks at "Retire Early"*
*looks at headlines again*
*cries quietly*
Seriously!
I am all for this- my issue is finding someone to marry in the first place! XD How do people do THAT? I am fairly religious (Catholic but also half Jewish XD) but not that conservative, and i find that many guys who are religious and interested in marriage are also quite conservative, which is becoming more of a divide by the day, it feels like. any advice?
People will sometimes say to join a hobby where you can find likeminded people, but that may not get you across a political or religious divide.
For my own part, I tried to be the gathering point for very me-flavored events (play readings, debates, book clubs). So I was getting to meet the friends of friends I was most likely to get along with, and they had a very strong impression of me.
One consideration that I've made in my life, actually in acknowledgment of the fact that I had my kids relatively later in life, is paying very close attention to my health and trying to do whatever I can to ensure that I can be active as long as possible for the sake of grandparenting.
Love this Christmas ad on this theme https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CPfyXpywABM
On the younger-to-middle side: Due to being a single-income family of six just coming out of the breadwinner's last round of grad school, we have not been able to focus on our own retirement in any particular way, although we have plans to set aside a certain percentage in a disciplined way once things settle. Most of our kids' grandparents still work for now, and we are moving to be VERY close to them (and our family friends) in the near future, with an eye towards both more grandparent time for the kids and for us being more available to care for them as they age. Insofar as we are ambitious as a couple, it is ambition aimed towards relationships and fullness of life for us and for our kids.
Yes. We have always lived pretty frugally and have hoped to have grandchildren, but when I became a grandmother, it became even clearer to me the priority that it had in my life.
Recently married at 29 and only able to think about kids because we live with my wonderful in laws — and we both have good, almost 6 figure jobs. But student debt and healthcare expenses are insurmountable. We budget carefully and I cannot figure out how we would pay for daycare and a mortgage right now. Maybe it’s an east coast problem?
It varies a lot! A friend in NYC pays for one kid what I pay for two.
Certainly an “expensive metro area” problem. For some encouragement, I was once in very similar circumstances to yours: married at 28, six figures of student debt, but good job in an East coast city with extremely high cost of living. By being very focused and aggressive, we paid off our debt within a couple of years around the time our first child (and scary medical bills for a NICU stay) arrived. I share this to show that 1) it can be done and also 2) it’s extremely difficult, so if it seems impossible, you’re not off-base. It was largely the hellacious couple years of forcibly living without childcare due to COVID lockdowns that enabled us to save relatively quickly for a house down payment after paying off our debt. I never want to repeat that experience, but not paying for daycare was a huge silver lining.
> Have you campaigned to get a grandparent to retire or move closer?
No! But here's why.
On one side of the family, the Big Dream of my husband's parents was: "Take early retirement, move overseas, care for orphans." When my kids were little, that's where they were. We were support for them, and that was right and good; we were all in it together. (Now that circumstances brought them back state-side, they are near us.)
The other side of the family is different... my mom died at the age of 59, during my Junior year of college. (It turns out that RE: Jesus' treasure-trove of "mothers and brothers and sisters in this life"... He is sometimes willing to open it up even if the reason you've lost your mother isn't "for the sake of the gospel." There were a zillion older women ready and willing to rush in and love me like a daughter, everywhere I've lived.)
My dad was kiiind of relationally-dysfunctional - overbearing in a blustering sort of way, loud on opinions when around family (though omitting his own opinions in the presence of strangers), starting abrasive arguments with the people closest to him - the Proverbs picture of a "fool" fitted a bit too well for my dad in his 50s and 60s.
One of the great quests of my life was healing my relationship with Dad. Dad and I did this over Skype, year by year. I raged in my thoughts on my bed when things went badly. I prayed desperately for wisdom, and for Dad to change year after year. I devoured every piece of wisdom that might shed light upon this quest of mine--scripture, novels, non-fic, anecdotes from old folks and from young. Once, after a Skype call with Dad, I quickly COVERED a piece of paper with NOTES from the intense conversation we had which had gone well SO many places: then I had all these pieces of info readily-at-hand to guide myself: "What works? What doesn't? What is a sore spot? What subject did WE both find interesting?"
My abilities in parenting and in leadership, I am certain, were greatly impacted by this; it was a project of God's love reaching out to the lost son. If I didn't try, (and REALLY try - not say "well, I tried my best" and shrug my shoulders helplessly) I would have had "a hole in my integrity"; a silent secret and an empty misery to suppress or to rant about uselessly. I learned so much about loving others. And even with his somewhat truncated ability to relate to others, he still was powerful to speak blessing over me, and, yes, eventually, even encourage his daughter with fatherly approval. It was as glorious as it was bizarre. (Dad passed away in January 2023, aged 80.)
I have been thinking about this a lot lately because for years, I couldn't wait for my parents to retire and move closer to us. We lived in the same metro area for most of the time I've had kids, but over an hour away. Now they are 8 minutes away. But my kids are older now (ranging in age from 18-9) and I don't need the same type of help I did fifteen years ago when both of my parents were working full time.
I was young when I had kids but so were my parents and they weren't in the position to retire. Now that they have, my kids are older and incorporating them into our life hasn't been as easy as I anticipated. Having older kids is a different type of busy and often requires me coordinating with my parents so that they can join us for the various activities my kids are in rather than relying on them for help the way I did when the kids were younger. If my dad had retired even five years earlier it would have been a much different situation but they were not in the financial position to do so. I don’t want to diminish how nice it is to have them over for dinner randomly or to know they are nearby in case of an emergency but overall, their retirement and proximity hasn’t really increased how much we see them.
On the contrary, my sister is pregnant with twins and will benefit from our parents being retired but they are also considerably older and have some health issues. She lives across the country and it is yet to be seen what arrangement will be worked out for them to visit/help.
I love this conversation. I read I Will Teach You to be Rich when I first got married and we tried to live on one income, though we were making two. It really helped us save up for a down payment on a house.
With savings and grandparents, two things come to mind for me:
1. Make memories now, in whatever season of life you're in. Save for the future, but don't live for the future.
My dad lived frugally, paid off his house aggressively, and turned down career opportunities so he could be home for dinner every night with his kids. We went on vacation as a family every year (I was in the younger set of kids, the older kids didn't have annual vacations because money was more tight then) and made memories as a family. My dad died of brain cancer in his fifties. If he had waited for retirement to make memories with us, we all would have missed out. I cry when I watch the movie About Time because if my dad could re-live his life over again, knowing its length, I really don't think he would do anything differently.
2. Prioritize building community wherever you are. If attempting to convince relatives to move near you is attractive to you, to what environment are you inviting them?
I got married and moved to a new state after college and found (through the Holy Spirit) amazing Catholic community. My husband and I are all in on putting down roots here and building community here.
Years ago, I convinced my younger brother to move here (he's now married and has a baby and his house is three blocks away from mine in the Catholic neighborhood we're growing, he met his now-wife at a community dinner at my house) and I convinced my mom to move here after she retired (first my mom rented on the opposite sides of a duplex my husband and I were renting, now her house is nine houses down from mine on the same side of the street). My mom and I get along great and I always told her when I was growing up that she should live near me and I'd take care of her when she got old.
When I was working, one of my best friends nannied three days a week for me and my mom watched my daughter one full work day, plus she gave me tons of help outside of work. Now I'm a stay-at-home mom in this season of life, and I see my mom pretty much every day, as do my kids. Plus we live in a neighborhood with a growing number of Catholic stay-at-home moms and their kids. It's the greatest. I really am living the dream.
My dad's frugality, savings, and life insurance allowed my mom to afford a house where we live (which is not a cheap area). It's hard to tell other people "just have parents who made X and Y good choices in the past, so you can have grandparent help now," but I guess we can make choices now to try to help each other and our future grandchildren.
Thank you for telling me your dad's story! A big way I approach memento mori in my life is that my current life *does* need to be a good life (and it is!).
For me, this comes up most in not wishing away a hard time of life (e.g. wishing the month or so between a positive pregnancy test and seeing a heartbeat would just GO AWAY), versus needing to embrace the time I'm given as though it's the only time I have.
Ohh, that's so hard, not wishing away a hard time of life.
We decided our family motto would be Memento Mori. I will have to apply it in this way, mentally!
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What you've shared on miscarriages has helped me pray for and be there for my friends who have had miscarriages. My heart goes out to you.
We've been dealing with infertility for years and want more children (I'm so, so thankful to have been blessed with my two!) so part of me each month, after the initial disappointment, wants to fast forward to the next chance to conceive a baby. But this is my life, the life lived in the waiting. And it is a good life. The pretty fantastic parts just live alongside the ache.
Trying is a hard season because you have regularly(ish) scheduled times of great joy-or-disappointment to look forward to. It's like if Christmas was every month but a lot of the time it wasn't Christmas, it was something sad and you wouldn't know which till that morning.
It is. But maybe it can be a Little Women Christmas morning, from the beginning of the book, where I would love to enjoy the Christmas breakfast myself, but get to let go and give it up as a small act of love. The girls leave the Hummel's house still hungry but happy.