I would say strong signs of marriageability 1) a person who has good friends who are other-oriented, are excited about having kids (or at least not afraid of children), and who are taking on responsibility in their own lives, 2) a person who does what they say they will do, or is honest when they haven't done that, 3) a person who can apologize, 4) a person who pursues delayed gratification (showing discipline) in some area of their life. 5) a sense of humor and joy in challenge (bonus if their family shares this strength), and lastly, 6) someone who thinks critically about their own values and isn't afraid to disagree respectfully with people they are close to.
Others have responded by talking about what a marriageable man has, so I’ll add what I’ve learned about the vices I need to lack.
The image above includes a picture of Woodford Reserve. Once upon a time, I drank my body weight in that stuff. Slowly, I came to learn my biggest impediment to showing up as a husband and father was my relationship with appetite-based vices. If I want to be a good husband and father, I must strive to be a man of virtue. And in my experience, for men like me, the first virtue we need to pursue is temperance. If I’m intemperate, I’m not really practicing the selflessness and cheerful service that’s at the heart of being a husband and father.
Equally important, I needed to work on the vice of wrath. I am the biggest, strongest person in my house. I can either be my family’s single largest source of fear or calm, and it’s 100% on me which it’s going to be. I’ve had to learn the difference between primary anger – the uncontrollable response akin to pulling a hand away from a hot stove – and secondary anger. Secondary anger is the chosen, persisting anger that constitutes wrathfulness, and as far as I can tell, there is basically no place for secondary anger in my roles as a husband and father. CS Lewis would decry me for changing the definition of “gentleman” from its original meaning to “a gentle man,” but that’s exactly what I need to be in nearly all circumstances.
"I’ve had to learn the difference between primary anger – the uncontrollable response akin to pulling a hand away from a hot stove – and secondary anger. Secondary anger is the chosen, persisting anger that constitutes wrathfulness, and as far as I can tell, there is basically no place for secondary anger in my roles as a husband and father."
I like the distinction too. Someone I'm close to was a member of Emotions Anonymous for years because he was addicted to anger. I imagine the focus there is on learning to create space between that primary and the secondary angers - which, of course, requires an awareness that there is a difference.
Thank you for sharing these insights and thank you for practicing them. I 100% agree that a big good sign that a man will make a good husband and father is when he uses his size and strength to be a source of calm, refuge, comfort, and when necessary, protection and not a source of fear.
One thing that made my husband "marriageable" as a young man (still is a young man lol, under 30) was a willingness to think and talk about marriage and vocation. Dating with the end goal in mind, and realizing it's not just for fun, it has a purpose. Coupled with, once we got engaged, the ability to maturely plan for a future family, in realistic and pragmatic terms (not "we'll have kids when we're ready!" But *these* are the things we'd like to have done before having kids, and here's what we'll do if it happens earlier or later than planned).
People are trained to plan long term for their careers but family plans are treated like something that will just fall into place, or like a hobby you can do on the side, as long as you're responsible indulging in child-bearing.
"People are trained to plan long term for their careers but family plans are treated like something that will just fall into place"
YES! It's not coming on too strong to talk about when you want kids in the early part of dating. You're dating to find out if you should get married, not just to agreeably pass the time.
I agree that a willingness to think about and talk about marriage and children is a sign of marriageability. I like that you imply it's possible to plan long-term for a family, and that it needs contingencies for timing. Planning for the ability to support a family, and for whether a couple is open to fertility assistance, adoption, or not having children as part of that plan, is a good idea to do early on, like Leah said. "Dating for a purpose", as the kids say these days.
This is rather humble, down to earth advice— but I’d recommend living in a group house and practicing cooking, cleaning up, discussing chores, paying bills, taking responsibility, and compromising. These are things you’ll have to do if you’re married, better to get good at them early.
For very similar reasons, Eastern Orthodox theologian Alexander Schmemann told men and women interested in entering religious life to spend time in a boring job, and try to embrace it all patiently and with love.
I enjoyed that talk about Judith! I just read the book of Judith for the first time a few days ago (I was raised Protestant and the book of Judith is not included in the Protestant bible). One of my first thoughts is how it's such a powerful depiction of a woman in scripture and it's so sad that it's not included in the Protestant world.
The imagery you shared of the Mary and Jesus both being open to feeding those who come to them from their bodies is so beautiful.
It took me a long while to find a "suitable" spouse -- nearly all my friends were married with four or five children by the time I married. I didn't feel like I had very high standards either. I had only three criteria: that he was Christian, interesting, and kind. In my circles I found that it was hard to find a man who was Christian and interesting, or if he was interesting he wasn't often kind but often displayed signs of being abusive. A lot of men I feel are too content living cookie cutter lives which dampers their masculinity. A well traveled man who has a few skills is a hard thing to find, especially if he comes out being Christian AND kind. If any man wanted to know what to do to be marriage worthy, I'd point them to my husband and say get advice from him. But also I'd say do scary things, don't worry about a career for awhile, get out there and face the world and sleigh some dragons so that when you meet your princess your hands aren't soft!
I was definitely looking for "interesting" too, along the lines of this from GKC: "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
A track record of trying at things, sometimes failing, and how they responded to those failures - if there was any acknowledgement or ownership of responsibility, any self knowledge gained, and then what they did with that - what was the follow through? How did they handle crises that arose from forces out of their control?
A track record of unprompted and open disclosure.
Being able to acknowledge, recognize, and lean into the things they ARE good at or ARE existing strengths e.g. I am good at staying on top of laundry, I am good at interior design and curating spaces, I am good at baking cakes, I am good with animals, I am good at pickling things and loading dishwashers, I am good at rhetoric, I am good at mending holes, I am good at running or car detailing etc etc. This goes such a long way with figuring out division of labor and how to address gaps while also framing your prospective relationship as a vehicle for positive individual and mutual growth. You cannot date someone who is entirely consumed with beating themselves to death over their own failures, or else blames everyone but themselves. They must act as agent in their own life. They must desire to live, or desire the desire to live, and will it.
Unfortunately, I think socially a lot of millennial and zoomer Gen are deeply fatalistic and indeed have given over to despair, so these are really tall orders to make. Pope Leo and Pope Francis have labored at length to counteract this, to their credit.
(1) Already engages in works of service and mercy: volunteering at food kitchens, supporting special olympics-type events, tutoring youths with economic need, yard care projects for their place of worship or elderly/single moms in their community, helping at funerals or volunteering at any kind of non-youth related church event, helps in church nurseries, and etc.
(1a) Any sort of sustained activity that demonstrates an awareness of the other and love for them. I would include cheerful and competent responsibility to family life, like helping drive siblings around, and looking forward to family traditions/events.
Strong signs of marriageability that I saw in my husband (non exhaustive list): 1) He used his time and gifts to serve others-- the first time I met him, he interrupted his day to come over and help someone he didn't know (me) move into a new housing situation. 2) He was genuinely interested in others regardless of status-- he knew multiple unhoused people in his neighborhood by name and when he met new people at a social event would ask them meaningful questions and listen to responses. 3) He was wiling to take the risk of trying and learning new things even if they carried risk of failure. 4) He could argue his own position well on any particular topic, but he was also willing to change his mind when appropriate. 5) He loved to read and learn. 6) He interacted well with children. 7) He had developed strong personal disciplines including daily prayer / physical fitness. 8) He had a lot of friendships, including a strong community of male friends.
Strategies to become marriageable: My top 3 for adolescents to learn would be 1) Developing deep friendships (becoming better at any relationship makes you better at marriage), 2) developing personal discipline (learning how to keep working at a commitment even on days it is not fun), 3) learning how to argue or disagree well.
I love the salon photo! I suggest two things. First, get better at being considerate. This is pretty easy to start: first, pay attention to things people do for YOU that reflect recognition and care, even small things, like letting you go first at an intersection, remembering how you take your coffee, replacing the used-up toilet paper roll. Then start paying attention to things other people seem to find helpful, and practice doing them. This can be fun as fieldwork too, watching how other people show consideration to each other. In my old neighborhood I could look out every snowy morning and see my neighbor clearing off his wife's car before she had to drive to work. The second thing is being marriageable by seeking a good match, not just a person you happen to love or a person who seems to like what you like about yourself.
You say in your piece: "My husband was marriageable well before he landed his first job because he’d spent his homeschooling years organizing a student Shakespeare troupe. No adult would come to the rescue when “the show must go on”—it was up to him to find a solution or inspire a peer to step up."
I was in that group. When we failed after he had graduated from college HE came to the rescue a couple times (I guess he counts as an adult).
And if any of us or all of us and our young people need to be more “marriageable” it will take a lifetime or more! It cannot happen between 23-29. Humans grow change learn adapt and become better. Expecting a male/female young adult to be perfect and marriageable is not realistic. To be honest are any of us that marriageable or considerate or kind ?? We all have our dark sides and we all screw up. Marriage is about two imperfect individuals trying to be better for each other and for themselves and the world . We all grow up at some point. But none of us is fully formed in our 20’s .
Fascinating essays and discussion. There are so many layers to this topic than a substack or a WSJ article can address. I am of Indian origin,raised in a Christian home where our community believed and still believes in arranged marriages. I had an arranged marriage at 23, was a mother at 24. My husband was 27 when we wed. Back then, my dad had two questions to ask my now husband- 1. How much is your monthly salary? 2.How tall are you? They knew where he worked, they had met his parents and knew his family or origin and community and they knew the faith he was raised in. They trusted the family structure and community upbringing and his formation on a foundational level enough to arrange the marriage. of course we had struggles along the way- neither one of us was perfect and we made mistakes and we had to grow up. But we knew that our family structures would support us and encourage us and we had our faith and believed in something bigger than us. We came from similar backgrounds and looked for the similar things to hold us. Today in 2026 it’s a lot different and yet the same- birds of a feather flock together. A high net worth young man looks for a high net worth young lady. It’s silly to expect otherwise. We raise our children in specific ways and we need to teach them to be open, social, kind, friendly, take responsibility, be a young man of honor and duty and work hard. Young people are either siloed into groups or have no friends or social life. It’s crazy hard out there for young people. As immigrants it’s even harder- do we marry from the same ethnic background or we do look outside? Which is right? Which is wrong? I like quite a bit of what Scott Galloway says in his new book. But I do think we need to bring back Arranged marriages! Ms.Leah - If you would like to discuss arranged marriages more from 2001 to what young peoples are struggling with now send me a DM:) I would LOVE to chat!
"They knew where he worked, they had met his parents and knew his family or origin and community and they knew the faith he was raised in. They trusted the family structure and community upbringing and his formation on a foundational level enough to arrange the marriage"
One reason I'm so pessimistic about dating apps is that they seem like they strip away all the context that comes with dating in an IRL community of friends.
You make a valid point. We have these discussions with the young adults from our church and Indian American community often and I am optimistic - nearly all of them are open to being set up or having an arranged marriage! Now the responsibility lands on us parents to find them suitable partners which involves a lot of prayer!!
I'm not sure what it says about my social milieu, but I don't really hear much conversation about "marriageability" as an attribute of an individual, and even talking that way makes it sound like one person is just ordering another person from a catalog. Which, to be fair, might be the experience of some on the apps...
Instead, there's much more focus on the pairing of the two individuals. Are they compatible? Do they vibe? Do they make each other better people? Do they encourage each other in their individual faiths?
And I will add this - if your home has 2 working parents bringing in above 300k a year and you travel internationally and vacation and live in a a nice suburb- your daughter will not be dating or marrying a future plumber - that is just not happening even if he is a man of golden character and wonderful! The opposite is true as well. Our friends son ( an engineer ) raised in upper middle class suburbs, fell in love and married a lovely young lady from a humble background - small house, no TV never left the country, vacationed in farms- on the wedding day- the boy’s father while supportive of his son, told my husband- he could have done better and found a girl from his high school or church but the heart wants what it wants. They love her but it took them a while to get adjusted to her background. just saying. Humans are complicated.
I would say strong signs of marriageability 1) a person who has good friends who are other-oriented, are excited about having kids (or at least not afraid of children), and who are taking on responsibility in their own lives, 2) a person who does what they say they will do, or is honest when they haven't done that, 3) a person who can apologize, 4) a person who pursues delayed gratification (showing discipline) in some area of their life. 5) a sense of humor and joy in challenge (bonus if their family shares this strength), and lastly, 6) someone who thinks critically about their own values and isn't afraid to disagree respectfully with people they are close to.
This is exactly my list and how I knew my husband was fit to marry when he proposed at 21, even though we weren’t even out of college yet.
Others have responded by talking about what a marriageable man has, so I’ll add what I’ve learned about the vices I need to lack.
The image above includes a picture of Woodford Reserve. Once upon a time, I drank my body weight in that stuff. Slowly, I came to learn my biggest impediment to showing up as a husband and father was my relationship with appetite-based vices. If I want to be a good husband and father, I must strive to be a man of virtue. And in my experience, for men like me, the first virtue we need to pursue is temperance. If I’m intemperate, I’m not really practicing the selflessness and cheerful service that’s at the heart of being a husband and father.
Equally important, I needed to work on the vice of wrath. I am the biggest, strongest person in my house. I can either be my family’s single largest source of fear or calm, and it’s 100% on me which it’s going to be. I’ve had to learn the difference between primary anger – the uncontrollable response akin to pulling a hand away from a hot stove – and secondary anger. Secondary anger is the chosen, persisting anger that constitutes wrathfulness, and as far as I can tell, there is basically no place for secondary anger in my roles as a husband and father. CS Lewis would decry me for changing the definition of “gentleman” from its original meaning to “a gentle man,” but that’s exactly what I need to be in nearly all circumstances.
I really like this distinction:
"I’ve had to learn the difference between primary anger – the uncontrollable response akin to pulling a hand away from a hot stove – and secondary anger. Secondary anger is the chosen, persisting anger that constitutes wrathfulness, and as far as I can tell, there is basically no place for secondary anger in my roles as a husband and father."
I like the distinction too. Someone I'm close to was a member of Emotions Anonymous for years because he was addicted to anger. I imagine the focus there is on learning to create space between that primary and the secondary angers - which, of course, requires an awareness that there is a difference.
Thank you for sharing these insights and thank you for practicing them. I 100% agree that a big good sign that a man will make a good husband and father is when he uses his size and strength to be a source of calm, refuge, comfort, and when necessary, protection and not a source of fear.
One thing that made my husband "marriageable" as a young man (still is a young man lol, under 30) was a willingness to think and talk about marriage and vocation. Dating with the end goal in mind, and realizing it's not just for fun, it has a purpose. Coupled with, once we got engaged, the ability to maturely plan for a future family, in realistic and pragmatic terms (not "we'll have kids when we're ready!" But *these* are the things we'd like to have done before having kids, and here's what we'll do if it happens earlier or later than planned).
People are trained to plan long term for their careers but family plans are treated like something that will just fall into place, or like a hobby you can do on the side, as long as you're responsible indulging in child-bearing.
"People are trained to plan long term for their careers but family plans are treated like something that will just fall into place"
YES! It's not coming on too strong to talk about when you want kids in the early part of dating. You're dating to find out if you should get married, not just to agreeably pass the time.
I agree that a willingness to think about and talk about marriage and children is a sign of marriageability. I like that you imply it's possible to plan long-term for a family, and that it needs contingencies for timing. Planning for the ability to support a family, and for whether a couple is open to fertility assistance, adoption, or not having children as part of that plan, is a good idea to do early on, like Leah said. "Dating for a purpose", as the kids say these days.
This is rather humble, down to earth advice— but I’d recommend living in a group house and practicing cooking, cleaning up, discussing chores, paying bills, taking responsibility, and compromising. These are things you’ll have to do if you’re married, better to get good at them early.
For very similar reasons, Eastern Orthodox theologian Alexander Schmemann told men and women interested in entering religious life to spend time in a boring job, and try to embrace it all patiently and with love.
I enjoyed that talk about Judith! I just read the book of Judith for the first time a few days ago (I was raised Protestant and the book of Judith is not included in the Protestant bible). One of my first thoughts is how it's such a powerful depiction of a woman in scripture and it's so sad that it's not included in the Protestant world.
The imagery you shared of the Mary and Jesus both being open to feeding those who come to them from their bodies is so beautiful.
It took me a long while to find a "suitable" spouse -- nearly all my friends were married with four or five children by the time I married. I didn't feel like I had very high standards either. I had only three criteria: that he was Christian, interesting, and kind. In my circles I found that it was hard to find a man who was Christian and interesting, or if he was interesting he wasn't often kind but often displayed signs of being abusive. A lot of men I feel are too content living cookie cutter lives which dampers their masculinity. A well traveled man who has a few skills is a hard thing to find, especially if he comes out being Christian AND kind. If any man wanted to know what to do to be marriage worthy, I'd point them to my husband and say get advice from him. But also I'd say do scary things, don't worry about a career for awhile, get out there and face the world and sleigh some dragons so that when you meet your princess your hands aren't soft!
I was definitely looking for "interesting" too, along the lines of this from GKC: "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
A track record of trying at things, sometimes failing, and how they responded to those failures - if there was any acknowledgement or ownership of responsibility, any self knowledge gained, and then what they did with that - what was the follow through? How did they handle crises that arose from forces out of their control?
A track record of unprompted and open disclosure.
Being able to acknowledge, recognize, and lean into the things they ARE good at or ARE existing strengths e.g. I am good at staying on top of laundry, I am good at interior design and curating spaces, I am good at baking cakes, I am good with animals, I am good at pickling things and loading dishwashers, I am good at rhetoric, I am good at mending holes, I am good at running or car detailing etc etc. This goes such a long way with figuring out division of labor and how to address gaps while also framing your prospective relationship as a vehicle for positive individual and mutual growth. You cannot date someone who is entirely consumed with beating themselves to death over their own failures, or else blames everyone but themselves. They must act as agent in their own life. They must desire to live, or desire the desire to live, and will it.
Unfortunately, I think socially a lot of millennial and zoomer Gen are deeply fatalistic and indeed have given over to despair, so these are really tall orders to make. Pope Leo and Pope Francis have labored at length to counteract this, to their credit.
Strong signs of marriageability
(1) Already engages in works of service and mercy: volunteering at food kitchens, supporting special olympics-type events, tutoring youths with economic need, yard care projects for their place of worship or elderly/single moms in their community, helping at funerals or volunteering at any kind of non-youth related church event, helps in church nurseries, and etc.
(1a) Any sort of sustained activity that demonstrates an awareness of the other and love for them. I would include cheerful and competent responsibility to family life, like helping drive siblings around, and looking forward to family traditions/events.
Strong signs of marriageability that I saw in my husband (non exhaustive list): 1) He used his time and gifts to serve others-- the first time I met him, he interrupted his day to come over and help someone he didn't know (me) move into a new housing situation. 2) He was genuinely interested in others regardless of status-- he knew multiple unhoused people in his neighborhood by name and when he met new people at a social event would ask them meaningful questions and listen to responses. 3) He was wiling to take the risk of trying and learning new things even if they carried risk of failure. 4) He could argue his own position well on any particular topic, but he was also willing to change his mind when appropriate. 5) He loved to read and learn. 6) He interacted well with children. 7) He had developed strong personal disciplines including daily prayer / physical fitness. 8) He had a lot of friendships, including a strong community of male friends.
Strategies to become marriageable: My top 3 for adolescents to learn would be 1) Developing deep friendships (becoming better at any relationship makes you better at marriage), 2) developing personal discipline (learning how to keep working at a commitment even on days it is not fun), 3) learning how to argue or disagree well.
I love the salon photo! I suggest two things. First, get better at being considerate. This is pretty easy to start: first, pay attention to things people do for YOU that reflect recognition and care, even small things, like letting you go first at an intersection, remembering how you take your coffee, replacing the used-up toilet paper roll. Then start paying attention to things other people seem to find helpful, and practice doing them. This can be fun as fieldwork too, watching how other people show consideration to each other. In my old neighborhood I could look out every snowy morning and see my neighbor clearing off his wife's car before she had to drive to work. The second thing is being marriageable by seeking a good match, not just a person you happen to love or a person who seems to like what you like about yourself.
You say in your piece: "My husband was marriageable well before he landed his first job because he’d spent his homeschooling years organizing a student Shakespeare troupe. No adult would come to the rescue when “the show must go on”—it was up to him to find a solution or inspire a peer to step up."
I was in that group. When we failed after he had graduated from college HE came to the rescue a couple times (I guess he counts as an adult).
Aww, that's great! I remain v amused by the pictures of him stepping in as a Falstaff replacement, with a pillow jammed under his shirt.
The signal of marriageability ought to be virtue, generally speaking.
And if any of us or all of us and our young people need to be more “marriageable” it will take a lifetime or more! It cannot happen between 23-29. Humans grow change learn adapt and become better. Expecting a male/female young adult to be perfect and marriageable is not realistic. To be honest are any of us that marriageable or considerate or kind ?? We all have our dark sides and we all screw up. Marriage is about two imperfect individuals trying to be better for each other and for themselves and the world . We all grow up at some point. But none of us is fully formed in our 20’s .
Fascinating essays and discussion. There are so many layers to this topic than a substack or a WSJ article can address. I am of Indian origin,raised in a Christian home where our community believed and still believes in arranged marriages. I had an arranged marriage at 23, was a mother at 24. My husband was 27 when we wed. Back then, my dad had two questions to ask my now husband- 1. How much is your monthly salary? 2.How tall are you? They knew where he worked, they had met his parents and knew his family or origin and community and they knew the faith he was raised in. They trusted the family structure and community upbringing and his formation on a foundational level enough to arrange the marriage. of course we had struggles along the way- neither one of us was perfect and we made mistakes and we had to grow up. But we knew that our family structures would support us and encourage us and we had our faith and believed in something bigger than us. We came from similar backgrounds and looked for the similar things to hold us. Today in 2026 it’s a lot different and yet the same- birds of a feather flock together. A high net worth young man looks for a high net worth young lady. It’s silly to expect otherwise. We raise our children in specific ways and we need to teach them to be open, social, kind, friendly, take responsibility, be a young man of honor and duty and work hard. Young people are either siloed into groups or have no friends or social life. It’s crazy hard out there for young people. As immigrants it’s even harder- do we marry from the same ethnic background or we do look outside? Which is right? Which is wrong? I like quite a bit of what Scott Galloway says in his new book. But I do think we need to bring back Arranged marriages! Ms.Leah - If you would like to discuss arranged marriages more from 2001 to what young peoples are struggling with now send me a DM:) I would LOVE to chat!
I really appreciate this point:
"They knew where he worked, they had met his parents and knew his family or origin and community and they knew the faith he was raised in. They trusted the family structure and community upbringing and his formation on a foundational level enough to arrange the marriage"
One reason I'm so pessimistic about dating apps is that they seem like they strip away all the context that comes with dating in an IRL community of friends.
You make a valid point. We have these discussions with the young adults from our church and Indian American community often and I am optimistic - nearly all of them are open to being set up or having an arranged marriage! Now the responsibility lands on us parents to find them suitable partners which involves a lot of prayer!!
I'm not sure what it says about my social milieu, but I don't really hear much conversation about "marriageability" as an attribute of an individual, and even talking that way makes it sound like one person is just ordering another person from a catalog. Which, to be fair, might be the experience of some on the apps...
Instead, there's much more focus on the pairing of the two individuals. Are they compatible? Do they vibe? Do they make each other better people? Do they encourage each other in their individual faiths?
I think of these as two separate questions:
1) is this person marriageable?
2) should *I* marry them?
But I do think about checking the first bar before the second (which takes longer to explore)
And I will add this - if your home has 2 working parents bringing in above 300k a year and you travel internationally and vacation and live in a a nice suburb- your daughter will not be dating or marrying a future plumber - that is just not happening even if he is a man of golden character and wonderful! The opposite is true as well. Our friends son ( an engineer ) raised in upper middle class suburbs, fell in love and married a lovely young lady from a humble background - small house, no TV never left the country, vacationed in farms- on the wedding day- the boy’s father while supportive of his son, told my husband- he could have done better and found a girl from his high school or church but the heart wants what it wants. They love her but it took them a while to get adjusted to her background. just saying. Humans are complicated.
Speaking for myself, fix mental health problems quickly and aggressively.