This seems like another area where bodies, especially female bodies, don't mesh well with our society.
I have actually quit a job for both of my first trimesters, because I was SO sick and there wasn't any other real option. I generally appreciated the deference I received, but in my subculture it's the kind of deference you would give someone who's already carrying something heavy. Men (and women who weren't pregnant at the time) didn't treat me as weak but as already occupied. CEOs have secretaries because they're too busy doing "more important" work to attend to minor admin responsibilities. Priests have altar servers, and it's not because priests are incapable or weak but because they're busy with important work. That's how I always felt that I was treated - although I know the deference can be done in a condescending way (it just wasn't in my case).
I remember toward the end of my first pregnancy, I kept saying, "I dont feel fat, I just feel like I'm carrying something really heavy, and it's exhausting." Since that experience I've bristled at the idea that women are the weaker sex. I do think that men are generally better equipped to lift heavy things with their arms, but they are always able to put them down and get a breather. When you're pregnant, you can sit but you can't actually put the baby down. It takes an extraordinary amount of physical strength and endurance to be pregnant (and I haven't even gotten to birth yet) and why don't we count that as strength? Is it because it isn't useful for anything else?
I've been thinking a lot about this in terms of the debate "which is worse, childbirth or ____?" and it's led me to realize how telling it is that most pregnant women (in my experience) by some point in the third trimester are actually EAGER for labor and delivery. The debate misses the whole point, which is that birth isn't the only hard work of childbearing, it's just the most climactic and dare I say "exciting" part of a long, physically and often emotionally difficult/complex journey which is mostly invisible
And when you’re in labour that’s all you have to do. You don’t have to try to do all the normal things as well as feeling awful and exhausted. I loved labour compared to pregnancy!
I believe in general we need to be cultivating more awe toward each other. Pregnancy is an awe-some thing - a full of awe thing. But the world and everyone in it is worthy of awe intrinsically.
If I were to get in a Tardis and go to Regency England, I’d be mistaken for an Amazon. I’m an athlete and regularly do strength training, and whenever I read a Jane Austen novel, I’m struck by how the women can’t do anything physically demanding. It seems like they’ll go on a walk and faint. I’m getting married in May, so I can reasonably expect to potentially get pregnant within the next three years. If my first trimester is terrible, I’ll be silently wishing for that social deference from men, but at the same time, I don’t want to go back to a world where it’s assumed I am and will always be too weak to do anything physically demanding. This is part of why I’ve, in the past, reacted negatively when receiving unsolicited help carrying things from men (moving a mini fridge from a college dorm). Yes, I’m physically weaker than male athletes, but I’m not a Regency lady. Is there a way to show sex based social deference that acknowledges a woman who might be weak today due to invisible causes like early pregnancy/menstruation can still do things like lift weights and run marathons on other days?
As a man this is, respectfully because I see your point, exactly what I’m concerned about in offering help to women who seem like they might need it. Even if they do, I know that I’m risking a faux pas. I try to offer anyway, but my experience is that if you do, you have to be prepared for a lot of soft, and occasionally hard, rejections of your aid—which I think for many men reinforces the idea that they should not offer, because most women will not accept and will not appreciate it.
Whether or not my perspective is true, I think it’s shared by a lot of men. We see a struggle, there is a notion of chivalry, and there is a societal mood that it is insulting or demeaning, and so many will—with politeness in mind—ignore a struggling woman so as not to insult her by even implying she might want or need aid from a man.
In the past I have asked my wife to ask other women if they need help—without mentioning me—and then instead of my wife stepping in, I will. This often seems to go over better. But it’s somewhat a trial for my wife, who is far less outgoing and far more sensitive to rejection than I am. I don’t want to put her through that.
I don’t have a great solution. I will say I’m much more inclined to offer help in contexts where I think traditional gender roles are more accepted. In church and church events, for example, since the churches I attend are conservative.
It’s an interesting phenomenon. I grew up in a family where the women were and are hyper-independent—a legacy of “difficult” parenting—and the men of that family often cast rueful glances at each other as their partners and spouses resolutely decline help with tasks we could do much more easily, if only we were permitted!
Good point about Jane Austen's world. You can DEFINITELY end up with a narrative where there's a certain sociological role to fill, where people become convinced that doing X is generally impossible for type-of-person A... and then everyone believes it and adapts accordingly.
Though, thinking again, I wonder if they were all wearing whalebone corsets or something and objectively destroying the health of their bodies in that way...
Ironically, the Regency corset Austens women wore was the least restrictive type of corset compared to the 100 years before and after that period. It was basically like a bra plus spanx. The weakness was a class signaling thing: these women were rich enough that they could afford to be inactive and delicate. A lower class farmers wife or servant was certainly going to be plenty fit.
Well, this is why lean hiring is bad for everyone. Building redundancy and slack into your personnel IS IN ITSELF an accommodation for individuals going through variable productivity periods (i.e ALL HUMANS). It's also better for safety (in industries where that's a concern). It isn't just a women's issue. Men cannot get pregnant but they get sick, take medications with side effects, and have caretaking responsibilities. The human brain and body, even if 100% normal and healthy, cannot labor uninterrupted at an identical level of intensity for 8-10 hours, there will be breaks, fluctuations in focus, and slack built in whether they're accommodated or not. If they're accommodated, then they have a smaller chance of being disastrous because they're accounted for.
"How have you navigated less visible disability and care needs at work?"
By eventually dropping out of the workforce entirely. (Can I make it back in someday? Maybe.)
"When (if ever) have you felt you needed to conceal asymmetry to protect yourself?"
If I ever want to be perceived as reliable in a social situation (including employment among social situations), always.
I don't really feel welcome when I can't keep up the charade. Some of this might just be my own feelings (not realizing how welcome I am, or could be, with the right approach). But much is still social expectation.
I was thinking of answering the same, Midge. I did eventually drop out, but I always retained some of my writing to not get rusty, and thankfully, it was there for me when I was more able to get at it again. And I realized I had so much more to offer than I might have, had I not dropped out. I was immersed in something else altogether, and it meant I was no longer as competitive for certain jobs, which was kind of a shock at first (and I think something many women who duck out of the workforce for a while experience), but in time, I realized I had more to offer. I just had to find the spaces that appreciated that "more," and once I did, all felt right with the world. But it can take some time. It's not easy. It is worth it, I'd like to think. :)
Having been pregnant at age 40 and now living as an elder I would say they are not the same thing at all. Pregnancies vary and so does the experience of old age. I had a lot of nausea with my first pregnancy and lived on red hot candies but I didn't feel weak. At age 70 I am physically active but do get tired more easily. It's not horrible unless I try to push too hard. Maybe the problem is the workaholic expectation in our society which does not cut any slack for anyone pregnant or not. I think that "weak" is such a pejorative term especially as pertains to women. It's why women were excluded from competitive sports because we were the "weaker sex". Let's not roll back the clock on that.
I have been blessed to have fairly easy and pleasant pregnancies (one of my side effects is hormonal giddiness and I honestly feel like a goddess who could lay on a divan and to whom people should be feeding grapes).
I worked in electrical engineering and at 9 months pregnant, I got winded on stairs, but I could still design communications systems. The many doctors appointments of pregnancy, especially at the end, were such an annoyance to me in work interruption (and I had unlimited sick leave!).
I fell on ice walking to work a couple weeks before my due date and I didn't go to the doctor because I really wanted to finish something at work for a deadline and I had another appointment the next day and I felt fine and the baby was still kicking. The doctor was really mad at me though for not coming in right away.
My first baby also, very conveniently, arrived exactly on her due date, which made all my work hand offs go as smoothly as they could have gone. I had 15 weeks maternity leave and I came back mid week and half day and eased back in and felt like a functional adult again at that point. I can't imagine going back at 6 weeks, my body wasn't healed at that point and I was insane from lack of sleep and my baby cried a lot.
The ability to work 32 hour work weeks (M-Th, 8 hour days) was a game changer for me after I had a baby (for childcare, for my sanity, for my motherhood, for my family...).
I got a lot of flexibility and understanding at work in spite of (or because of?) the fact that I was the first pregnant woman the (nearly all male) department had ever had. I read Lean In and Work. Pump. Repeat. and pretty much anything I suggested to HR, the company did. (Like asking a secretary for a key to the old nurse's office/pumping room when you're in a different building for a meeting and you're leaking milk through your shirt and can't find the right secretary with the right key, isn't the best system. They switched all those rooms to pincode locks with the same code in each building on my suggestion.)
I wouldn't want anyone to think my engineering designs were inferior because I'm a woman, but if I was in a meeting with fewer chairs than people and a coworker offered me a chair because I'm a woman, even if I wasn't pregnant, I'd take it. 😅🤷
I think there’s a failure of imagination if the answer to this is a tiered society where women are deferred to as the weaker sex.
Why not imagine a world where anyone with an invisible debilitating condition - of any gender - can get the accommodations they need? Where it’s either against the norm or against the law to overwork someone or refuse accommodations.
Or we could dream even bigger! We live in a time of unimaginable abundance, convenience, connection. Why not imagine a world where everyone works four hours a day, four days a week. Where all basic needs are guaranteed. Where there’s substantial parental leave and guaranteed free childcare and healthcare is free for everyone.
Difficult to build that world? Sure! But not nearly as difficult as the horrific suffering families are currently enduring.
> Why not imagine a world where anyone with an invisible debilitating condition - of any gender - can get the accommodations they need? Where it’s either against the norm or against the law to overwork someone or refuse accommodations
I really agree with this. Invisible, sometimes temporary, conditions are not specific to women — and everyone should get the accommodations that would help them during those times.
This is feeling extra personal for me at the moment. My 8 year old son was just diagnosed with Lyme. We think we caught it early enough and he’s on all the antibiotics, but there’s a real possibility he’ll have flare ups of all sorts for the rest of his life.
He’s such a sweetie, holds the door open for everyone (all genders), so helpful with his peers (all genders). I want him to live in a world where if he needs accommodations he gets them and feels no shame about making the ask. Just like he would accommodate anyone without hesitation.
Usually on public transportation if I see someone enter who looks as if they need a seat, I'll just ask them loudly enough for everyone nearby to hear, "Do you need to sit down?" If they nod, often someone sitting closer to them will get up and invite them to sit. Atlanta has been my nearest city since 1979. Before that, when I lived in Chicago and was pregnant, I have a vague memory that it wasn't as likely that anyone offered me a seat.
So I was thinking along these lines too - but what would that look like for the 1st trimester woman on the crowded train. Should she feel empowered to go ask someone for their seat? What if THEY have an invisible disability? Is it ok to say no?
On the trains here, there’s designated priority seats near the doors for disabled/elderly/etc people. I’d imagine making a general ask to the people in those seats that you need one — there’s generally 4-6 of these seats by each door — would have someone getting up.
People sit in the non-priority seats first, but by the time a train is crowded, all the seats are used. You can tell not everyone needs them because people will get up especially from those seats without being asked for elderly or visibly disabled people. They just wouldn’t know for invisible needs.
For me, all of this really drives home the deeper injustice of return to office orders. Earlier this year, I was sick with a pneumonia that lasted two months. I was significantly weaker than normal, and couldn’t manage to do most of the regular household tasks, like cooking and laundry. However, my main job which involves writing was not beyond my capacity (albeit maybe at 70% of normal productivity). It was only possible for me to keep working because I could work from my bed.
Generous policies around WFH inherently create situations that accommodate vulnerability, because they offer more flexibility. Yes, there are cases where WFH can be abused (one thing of the early days in the pandemic when people were trying to do childcare and work simultaneously). But figuring out good systems to judge when WFH is appropriate and good seems a much better approach than the total RTO that the federal government and others have adopted.
How do you feel about offering receiving social deference across the sex divide?
Personally I enjoy it. I enjoyed it before I was a mother, but I really appreciate it in my bones now that I am a mother!
How have you navigated less visible disability and care needs at work?
I have tried to set very clear boundaries with my employers on the work that I am being paid to do. I work for a company that does hold itself up as a champion for the vulnerable, so it’s in my favour to have these conversations, which I realise is quite lucky.
Oh man. This stood out: "We are more intimately exposed to others’ need." I wish it could be both/and, you know? I wish we could be open and own our vulnerability, and also, not feel guilty about our neediness. But we are so utilitarian that it seems impossible. But if we could be more flexible in that way...I think it would be beautiful.
P.S. It has occurred to me often that...men don't need to think so much about these things, and as women, we have no choice. I am older now, but as we were raising our kids, I thought about the work-home balance all the time, and it just didn't hit my husband in between the eyes nearly as much.
Terrific post, and love this in blurb about your book! "The fight for women’s dignity is a fight for a full, human dignity—a dignity that isn’t threatened by dependence. It is our need for each other that makes us human." Thanks, and Go Irish Women!
"How do you feel about offering (if you’re male) social deference across the sex divide?"
Well, I... largely *don't* feel about it, one way or another (and there's the rub). I'm either young enough to have never really learned all the traditional rules/scripts for chivalry, or I've forgotten most of what they are due to lack of practice. So it's not so much that I continually see social situations in which I say to myself, "Okay, traditional chivalry would require me to offer such-and-such, but will the woman be offended if I do?" It's that I lack the instinct to even recognize those situations in the first place.
If we as a society all came together and said, "All right, let's bring back chivalry," I personally would be fine with that—at least in the abstract—but I suspect there's so many people like me who lack the instinct for it that it would become a big practical barrier to implementation. We'd either all be awkwardly trying to follow a bunch of new, externally imposed social rules that seem arbitrary and alien, or we'd have to rationalize a whole new suite of social deference rules from scratch, somehow arriving at a broad consensus. It's hard for me to imagine either of those things happening, even if it would be desirable.
So I was thinking along these lines too, but I’m not sure what that actually looks like. Should a 1st trimester woman ask someone to give up their seat for her? What if the person she asks has an invisible disability? Sometimes the asking is 100% necessary. But sometimes the asking is also just too socially awkward.
I wouldn’t conflate vulnerability with weakness, especially for pregnancy. It quite often takes a good deal of strength to do basic things during the first trimester, not to mention what women go through in terms of labour and delivery. I would also see accommodations for that potential vulnerability to be a form of honouring that strength that women posses within themselves. But maybe that’s just me?
I think it’s partially that you’re redirecting your strength. But from the outside (and sometimes from the inside) it just feels like (non-pejorative) weakness!
“Invisible” disability and periods of weakness is a fact of life for most human beings at some point in their lives—not particular to women or women who are/could be pregnant. Not sure why we have to split men and women into a “sex divide” on this.
This seems like another area where bodies, especially female bodies, don't mesh well with our society.
I have actually quit a job for both of my first trimesters, because I was SO sick and there wasn't any other real option. I generally appreciated the deference I received, but in my subculture it's the kind of deference you would give someone who's already carrying something heavy. Men (and women who weren't pregnant at the time) didn't treat me as weak but as already occupied. CEOs have secretaries because they're too busy doing "more important" work to attend to minor admin responsibilities. Priests have altar servers, and it's not because priests are incapable or weak but because they're busy with important work. That's how I always felt that I was treated - although I know the deference can be done in a condescending way (it just wasn't in my case).
I remember toward the end of my first pregnancy, I kept saying, "I dont feel fat, I just feel like I'm carrying something really heavy, and it's exhausting." Since that experience I've bristled at the idea that women are the weaker sex. I do think that men are generally better equipped to lift heavy things with their arms, but they are always able to put them down and get a breather. When you're pregnant, you can sit but you can't actually put the baby down. It takes an extraordinary amount of physical strength and endurance to be pregnant (and I haven't even gotten to birth yet) and why don't we count that as strength? Is it because it isn't useful for anything else?
I've been thinking a lot about this in terms of the debate "which is worse, childbirth or ____?" and it's led me to realize how telling it is that most pregnant women (in my experience) by some point in the third trimester are actually EAGER for labor and delivery. The debate misses the whole point, which is that birth isn't the only hard work of childbearing, it's just the most climactic and dare I say "exciting" part of a long, physically and often emotionally difficult/complex journey which is mostly invisible
And when you’re in labour that’s all you have to do. You don’t have to try to do all the normal things as well as feeling awful and exhausted. I loved labour compared to pregnancy!
Exactly! It is the exact opposite of weakness!
I believe in general we need to be cultivating more awe toward each other. Pregnancy is an awe-some thing - a full of awe thing. But the world and everyone in it is worthy of awe intrinsically.
If I were to get in a Tardis and go to Regency England, I’d be mistaken for an Amazon. I’m an athlete and regularly do strength training, and whenever I read a Jane Austen novel, I’m struck by how the women can’t do anything physically demanding. It seems like they’ll go on a walk and faint. I’m getting married in May, so I can reasonably expect to potentially get pregnant within the next three years. If my first trimester is terrible, I’ll be silently wishing for that social deference from men, but at the same time, I don’t want to go back to a world where it’s assumed I am and will always be too weak to do anything physically demanding. This is part of why I’ve, in the past, reacted negatively when receiving unsolicited help carrying things from men (moving a mini fridge from a college dorm). Yes, I’m physically weaker than male athletes, but I’m not a Regency lady. Is there a way to show sex based social deference that acknowledges a woman who might be weak today due to invisible causes like early pregnancy/menstruation can still do things like lift weights and run marathons on other days?
Nicole (who wrote the original thread) is much stronger than I am and does big runs! So for her, it was a big shift in relative resilience.
As a man this is, respectfully because I see your point, exactly what I’m concerned about in offering help to women who seem like they might need it. Even if they do, I know that I’m risking a faux pas. I try to offer anyway, but my experience is that if you do, you have to be prepared for a lot of soft, and occasionally hard, rejections of your aid—which I think for many men reinforces the idea that they should not offer, because most women will not accept and will not appreciate it.
Whether or not my perspective is true, I think it’s shared by a lot of men. We see a struggle, there is a notion of chivalry, and there is a societal mood that it is insulting or demeaning, and so many will—with politeness in mind—ignore a struggling woman so as not to insult her by even implying she might want or need aid from a man.
In the past I have asked my wife to ask other women if they need help—without mentioning me—and then instead of my wife stepping in, I will. This often seems to go over better. But it’s somewhat a trial for my wife, who is far less outgoing and far more sensitive to rejection than I am. I don’t want to put her through that.
I don’t have a great solution. I will say I’m much more inclined to offer help in contexts where I think traditional gender roles are more accepted. In church and church events, for example, since the churches I attend are conservative.
It’s an interesting phenomenon. I grew up in a family where the women were and are hyper-independent—a legacy of “difficult” parenting—and the men of that family often cast rueful glances at each other as their partners and spouses resolutely decline help with tasks we could do much more easily, if only we were permitted!
Good point about Jane Austen's world. You can DEFINITELY end up with a narrative where there's a certain sociological role to fill, where people become convinced that doing X is generally impossible for type-of-person A... and then everyone believes it and adapts accordingly.
Though, thinking again, I wonder if they were all wearing whalebone corsets or something and objectively destroying the health of their bodies in that way...
Ironically, the Regency corset Austens women wore was the least restrictive type of corset compared to the 100 years before and after that period. It was basically like a bra plus spanx. The weakness was a class signaling thing: these women were rich enough that they could afford to be inactive and delicate. A lower class farmers wife or servant was certainly going to be plenty fit.
Have you considered watching pride and prejudice and zombies? Because that really integrates Regency England with modern athleticism…
Well, this is why lean hiring is bad for everyone. Building redundancy and slack into your personnel IS IN ITSELF an accommodation for individuals going through variable productivity periods (i.e ALL HUMANS). It's also better for safety (in industries where that's a concern). It isn't just a women's issue. Men cannot get pregnant but they get sick, take medications with side effects, and have caretaking responsibilities. The human brain and body, even if 100% normal and healthy, cannot labor uninterrupted at an identical level of intensity for 8-10 hours, there will be breaks, fluctuations in focus, and slack built in whether they're accommodated or not. If they're accommodated, then they have a smaller chance of being disastrous because they're accounted for.
Yes!
"How have you navigated less visible disability and care needs at work?"
By eventually dropping out of the workforce entirely. (Can I make it back in someday? Maybe.)
"When (if ever) have you felt you needed to conceal asymmetry to protect yourself?"
If I ever want to be perceived as reliable in a social situation (including employment among social situations), always.
I don't really feel welcome when I can't keep up the charade. Some of this might just be my own feelings (not realizing how welcome I am, or could be, with the right approach). But much is still social expectation.
I was thinking of answering the same, Midge. I did eventually drop out, but I always retained some of my writing to not get rusty, and thankfully, it was there for me when I was more able to get at it again. And I realized I had so much more to offer than I might have, had I not dropped out. I was immersed in something else altogether, and it meant I was no longer as competitive for certain jobs, which was kind of a shock at first (and I think something many women who duck out of the workforce for a while experience), but in time, I realized I had more to offer. I just had to find the spaces that appreciated that "more," and once I did, all felt right with the world. But it can take some time. It's not easy. It is worth it, I'd like to think. :)
Having been pregnant at age 40 and now living as an elder I would say they are not the same thing at all. Pregnancies vary and so does the experience of old age. I had a lot of nausea with my first pregnancy and lived on red hot candies but I didn't feel weak. At age 70 I am physically active but do get tired more easily. It's not horrible unless I try to push too hard. Maybe the problem is the workaholic expectation in our society which does not cut any slack for anyone pregnant or not. I think that "weak" is such a pejorative term especially as pertains to women. It's why women were excluded from competitive sports because we were the "weaker sex". Let's not roll back the clock on that.
An opening to such an interesting discussion!
I have been blessed to have fairly easy and pleasant pregnancies (one of my side effects is hormonal giddiness and I honestly feel like a goddess who could lay on a divan and to whom people should be feeding grapes).
I worked in electrical engineering and at 9 months pregnant, I got winded on stairs, but I could still design communications systems. The many doctors appointments of pregnancy, especially at the end, were such an annoyance to me in work interruption (and I had unlimited sick leave!).
I fell on ice walking to work a couple weeks before my due date and I didn't go to the doctor because I really wanted to finish something at work for a deadline and I had another appointment the next day and I felt fine and the baby was still kicking. The doctor was really mad at me though for not coming in right away.
My first baby also, very conveniently, arrived exactly on her due date, which made all my work hand offs go as smoothly as they could have gone. I had 15 weeks maternity leave and I came back mid week and half day and eased back in and felt like a functional adult again at that point. I can't imagine going back at 6 weeks, my body wasn't healed at that point and I was insane from lack of sleep and my baby cried a lot.
The ability to work 32 hour work weeks (M-Th, 8 hour days) was a game changer for me after I had a baby (for childcare, for my sanity, for my motherhood, for my family...).
I got a lot of flexibility and understanding at work in spite of (or because of?) the fact that I was the first pregnant woman the (nearly all male) department had ever had. I read Lean In and Work. Pump. Repeat. and pretty much anything I suggested to HR, the company did. (Like asking a secretary for a key to the old nurse's office/pumping room when you're in a different building for a meeting and you're leaking milk through your shirt and can't find the right secretary with the right key, isn't the best system. They switched all those rooms to pincode locks with the same code in each building on my suggestion.)
I wouldn't want anyone to think my engineering designs were inferior because I'm a woman, but if I was in a meeting with fewer chairs than people and a coworker offered me a chair because I'm a woman, even if I wasn't pregnant, I'd take it. 😅🤷
I have strong feelings on this one!
I think there’s a failure of imagination if the answer to this is a tiered society where women are deferred to as the weaker sex.
Why not imagine a world where anyone with an invisible debilitating condition - of any gender - can get the accommodations they need? Where it’s either against the norm or against the law to overwork someone or refuse accommodations.
Or we could dream even bigger! We live in a time of unimaginable abundance, convenience, connection. Why not imagine a world where everyone works four hours a day, four days a week. Where all basic needs are guaranteed. Where there’s substantial parental leave and guaranteed free childcare and healthcare is free for everyone.
Difficult to build that world? Sure! But not nearly as difficult as the horrific suffering families are currently enduring.
> Why not imagine a world where anyone with an invisible debilitating condition - of any gender - can get the accommodations they need? Where it’s either against the norm or against the law to overwork someone or refuse accommodations
I really agree with this. Invisible, sometimes temporary, conditions are not specific to women — and everyone should get the accommodations that would help them during those times.
<3
This is feeling extra personal for me at the moment. My 8 year old son was just diagnosed with Lyme. We think we caught it early enough and he’s on all the antibiotics, but there’s a real possibility he’ll have flare ups of all sorts for the rest of his life.
He’s such a sweetie, holds the door open for everyone (all genders), so helpful with his peers (all genders). I want him to live in a world where if he needs accommodations he gets them and feels no shame about making the ask. Just like he would accommodate anyone without hesitation.
Usually on public transportation if I see someone enter who looks as if they need a seat, I'll just ask them loudly enough for everyone nearby to hear, "Do you need to sit down?" If they nod, often someone sitting closer to them will get up and invite them to sit. Atlanta has been my nearest city since 1979. Before that, when I lived in Chicago and was pregnant, I have a vague memory that it wasn't as likely that anyone offered me a seat.
So I was thinking along these lines too - but what would that look like for the 1st trimester woman on the crowded train. Should she feel empowered to go ask someone for their seat? What if THEY have an invisible disability? Is it ok to say no?
On the trains here, there’s designated priority seats near the doors for disabled/elderly/etc people. I’d imagine making a general ask to the people in those seats that you need one — there’s generally 4-6 of these seats by each door — would have someone getting up.
Oh, those are the people I’d be least likely to ask, since I’d assume they needed them!
When I was riding the metro with a broken toe, I’d loudly announce this and that I needed a seat when I boarded. But I’m a pretty assertive lady.
(I was also a little proud of the injury since I got it at aikido)
People sit in the non-priority seats first, but by the time a train is crowded, all the seats are used. You can tell not everyone needs them because people will get up especially from those seats without being asked for elderly or visibly disabled people. They just wouldn’t know for invisible needs.
For me, all of this really drives home the deeper injustice of return to office orders. Earlier this year, I was sick with a pneumonia that lasted two months. I was significantly weaker than normal, and couldn’t manage to do most of the regular household tasks, like cooking and laundry. However, my main job which involves writing was not beyond my capacity (albeit maybe at 70% of normal productivity). It was only possible for me to keep working because I could work from my bed.
Generous policies around WFH inherently create situations that accommodate vulnerability, because they offer more flexibility. Yes, there are cases where WFH can be abused (one thing of the early days in the pandemic when people were trying to do childcare and work simultaneously). But figuring out good systems to judge when WFH is appropriate and good seems a much better approach than the total RTO that the federal government and others have adopted.
How do you feel about offering receiving social deference across the sex divide?
Personally I enjoy it. I enjoyed it before I was a mother, but I really appreciate it in my bones now that I am a mother!
How have you navigated less visible disability and care needs at work?
I have tried to set very clear boundaries with my employers on the work that I am being paid to do. I work for a company that does hold itself up as a champion for the vulnerable, so it’s in my favour to have these conversations, which I realise is quite lucky.
Oh man. This stood out: "We are more intimately exposed to others’ need." I wish it could be both/and, you know? I wish we could be open and own our vulnerability, and also, not feel guilty about our neediness. But we are so utilitarian that it seems impossible. But if we could be more flexible in that way...I think it would be beautiful.
P.S. It has occurred to me often that...men don't need to think so much about these things, and as women, we have no choice. I am older now, but as we were raising our kids, I thought about the work-home balance all the time, and it just didn't hit my husband in between the eyes nearly as much.
Terrific post, and love this in blurb about your book! "The fight for women’s dignity is a fight for a full, human dignity—a dignity that isn’t threatened by dependence. It is our need for each other that makes us human." Thanks, and Go Irish Women!
"How do you feel about offering (if you’re male) social deference across the sex divide?"
Well, I... largely *don't* feel about it, one way or another (and there's the rub). I'm either young enough to have never really learned all the traditional rules/scripts for chivalry, or I've forgotten most of what they are due to lack of practice. So it's not so much that I continually see social situations in which I say to myself, "Okay, traditional chivalry would require me to offer such-and-such, but will the woman be offended if I do?" It's that I lack the instinct to even recognize those situations in the first place.
If we as a society all came together and said, "All right, let's bring back chivalry," I personally would be fine with that—at least in the abstract—but I suspect there's so many people like me who lack the instinct for it that it would become a big practical barrier to implementation. We'd either all be awkwardly trying to follow a bunch of new, externally imposed social rules that seem arbitrary and alien, or we'd have to rationalize a whole new suite of social deference rules from scratch, somehow arriving at a broad consensus. It's hard for me to imagine either of those things happening, even if it would be desirable.
So I was thinking along these lines too, but I’m not sure what that actually looks like. Should a 1st trimester woman ask someone to give up their seat for her? What if the person she asks has an invisible disability? Sometimes the asking is 100% necessary. But sometimes the asking is also just too socially awkward.
This is such a subtle issue, I want to reflect on it more, but one thing sticks out immediately:
Variability and interchangeability do not coexist well, at all.
I wouldn’t conflate vulnerability with weakness, especially for pregnancy. It quite often takes a good deal of strength to do basic things during the first trimester, not to mention what women go through in terms of labour and delivery. I would also see accommodations for that potential vulnerability to be a form of honouring that strength that women posses within themselves. But maybe that’s just me?
I think it’s partially that you’re redirecting your strength. But from the outside (and sometimes from the inside) it just feels like (non-pejorative) weakness!
You lose stamina, get winded, need naps, etc.
I don’t think there’s such a thing as “non pejorative weakness” in much of modern society, hence my reticence to call it that I guess!
Ah, but come October, when I smack enough people upside the head with my book! https://amzn.to/4lEo4pT
I am SO looking forward to getting your book!! Just the title alone has let me have so many good conversations with people already!
“Invisible” disability and periods of weakness is a fact of life for most human beings at some point in their lives—not particular to women or women who are/could be pregnant. Not sure why we have to split men and women into a “sex divide” on this.