I just finished reading Building the Benedict Option; it was great! I stayed up unwisely late on a school night and before a big trip and finished it all in one go. My pen ran out of ink underlining and making notes! So much was inspiring or relatable.
We've hosted an open invite dinner most weeks (always paper plates) for over eight years now. It started with just a friend or two coming over after work and before Bible study, now our last dinner had over thirty adults and ten kids!
Our dinners have been one place (among several in our area) where people have made friends and community has grown. People have found new friends, housemates, coworkers, and even gotten married and converted, from the Holy Spirit working through our regular dinners. The way we think is, God is lending us this house and will ask what we did with it to build the Kingdom!
Because of this growing community, especially friends who have chosen to live within the same neighborhood in the last few years, I've been able to call on friends for favors, from last minute child care, to last minute staying at my house with the dishwasher repair man while I did school pickup, to this week- asking if a friend could check my mail while I was out of town. It's a great life!
Before the pandemic our neighbohood had a pizza friday night pay as you can dinner. It has the lovely impact of being a spot to run into neighbors and a place to be in person, face to face , and smooth over difficulties or hard feelings or misunderstandings- whether between kids or adults. It closed because the leaders didn't want to do takeout and hasnt reopened. With it gone, ive realized we lost a lot more than pizza.
I think most people yearn for the kind of neighborhood where anyone can borrow a cup of sugar. Except who needs a cup of sugar anymore? And you can't effectively initiate such a gift by offering random cups of sugar to neighbors.
I was pleased to be able to initiate it from the receiving end last month. There was a grocery mix-up and I found I was missing two cans of diced tomatoes for the recipe I was halfway through cooking. So I texted the neighborhood (the existence of such a text group is a prerequisite) asking for canned diced tomatoes, and quickly got two responses. I bought extra the following week and re-upped their supply.
Now that that precedent is established, I hope it'll encourage more exchanges.
I impulse-bought a $50 used piano on Facebook Marketplace as a stress cope (without thinking much about how I'd get it from this random woman's house to my own). I don't have piano-mover strength or even the skill to drive a U-Haul. I asked two casual friends to help and they agreed on a day's notice. They got that thing out of the Facebook woman's house, into a U-Haul, out of a U-Haul, up to my garage door (failed attempt), up my ten front steps, and into its new spot, all for the price of the homemade lunch I promised them as an enticement. It out some people will do a lot for a giant sandwich. I've learned I should deal with stress in less bizarre ways going forward—but even if I don't, now I know I have friends who will move a 400-pound piano on a moment's notice.
I think that schools- especially mission-first schools - can have a lot of third space qualities. As you point out with your example of the preschool playdate, it can accelerate the relationship - I have found the same to be the case at the teenage stage- the group projects, the procrastination and disorganization in the group project. As to your question about what do you do in private vs public- my husband and I have been encouraging our bookish/theater son (15) and daughter (17) towards doing some strength training and they are adamant that this cannot be done in public.
Yes! With schools, I think part of the goal has to be making the school a space for fruitful lingering / conviviality when classes are done. In my HS, there were a lot of after school clubs, theater, sports, etc. so it was common to be sticking around when the day was done and to see people you know in a space friendships could deepen.
First in mind is: 10 years ago, (when I had breast cancer for the 1st time) I'd just met a neighbor, and the SAME DAY*, she volunteered to do my laundry for me!!
(Note that we were living at apartments, and she was taking all of it to a laundromat, so that situation involves additional logistical challenges to "do a load of laundry for your neighbor along with your own.")
My great glory** is that I've made some STRANGE, NON-STANDARD asks, and (though it "weirds people out maybe" 30% of the time - oops! :( ) when I get it, (or something similar) it often has VERY strong benefits and makes me feel very LOVED.
I walk my dog about 4 hours a week in our neighbourhood. I feel very lucky to live where I live (it's a high dollar place, a quaint 'Stars Hollow' outside of a large metropolis) - even though I live in a basement suite - but we've been here for 10 years now.
I chat with the dog walkers I see regularly, and after about a year (as an American living in Canada - I am *outgoing* - a year seems like an appropriate wait time, but on the inside it feels 11 months too long. ), I will say something like, "I see you all the time and I should know your name, I'm Sarah"....and then we have more and more chats as time marches on and we see each other. It's the first bridge, and I've met so many people this way and it's relatively low stakes - we KNOW we see each other all the time, but the cordial "morning" never goes anywhere until I make the first move. I've never had anyone else do it for me.
Now I know my friend Sarah (who also works at our grocery store), the runner, Mike, whose dog gets along famously with mine, and on and on. If I see kids outside playing (we have a new family of little kids nearby!) I will introduce myself to mom or dad, show them where I live, tell them about my kids (babysitting age), and gift them a plate of Christmas cookies. These things feel *so small* to me - but I grew up on a super well-connected neighborhood street that I realize was sort of the American ideal. Now, when I tell people (here) about my neighborhood, they say they've *never* lived in a place where neighbors chat to each other. It blows my mind! It took me YEARS to get baby steps with these people. LOL
Just this year, we asked a little girl (10) who lives a few houses down - who also has a dog - if she'd be interested in making some money and taking our dog on a bathroom break and feeding him dinner while we're away skiing on a very long day. She was THRILLED! She took it so seriously, we had them over for an hour so she could ask questions, get to know our dog, learn how our lock worked with a key we'd give her, etc. Now - she was very quiet and reserved before - she'll wave and walk over and talk to us - mom, too.
I suppose every neighbor could be still 'acquaintances' to me, but .. baby steps! LOL
I just finished reading Building the Benedict Option; it was great! I stayed up unwisely late on a school night and before a big trip and finished it all in one go. My pen ran out of ink underlining and making notes! So much was inspiring or relatable.
We've hosted an open invite dinner most weeks (always paper plates) for over eight years now. It started with just a friend or two coming over after work and before Bible study, now our last dinner had over thirty adults and ten kids!
Our dinners have been one place (among several in our area) where people have made friends and community has grown. People have found new friends, housemates, coworkers, and even gotten married and converted, from the Holy Spirit working through our regular dinners. The way we think is, God is lending us this house and will ask what we did with it to build the Kingdom!
Because of this growing community, especially friends who have chosen to live within the same neighborhood in the last few years, I've been able to call on friends for favors, from last minute child care, to last minute staying at my house with the dishwasher repair man while I did school pickup, to this week- asking if a friend could check my mail while I was out of town. It's a great life!
Aww, this makes me so happy to see.
Before the pandemic our neighbohood had a pizza friday night pay as you can dinner. It has the lovely impact of being a spot to run into neighbors and a place to be in person, face to face , and smooth over difficulties or hard feelings or misunderstandings- whether between kids or adults. It closed because the leaders didn't want to do takeout and hasnt reopened. With it gone, ive realized we lost a lot more than pizza.
We're lucky that one family at our preschool does something similar about once a month.
I think most people yearn for the kind of neighborhood where anyone can borrow a cup of sugar. Except who needs a cup of sugar anymore? And you can't effectively initiate such a gift by offering random cups of sugar to neighbors.
I was pleased to be able to initiate it from the receiving end last month. There was a grocery mix-up and I found I was missing two cans of diced tomatoes for the recipe I was halfway through cooking. So I texted the neighborhood (the existence of such a text group is a prerequisite) asking for canned diced tomatoes, and quickly got two responses. I bought extra the following week and re-upped their supply.
Now that that precedent is established, I hope it'll encourage more exchanges.
I impulse-bought a $50 used piano on Facebook Marketplace as a stress cope (without thinking much about how I'd get it from this random woman's house to my own). I don't have piano-mover strength or even the skill to drive a U-Haul. I asked two casual friends to help and they agreed on a day's notice. They got that thing out of the Facebook woman's house, into a U-Haul, out of a U-Haul, up to my garage door (failed attempt), up my ten front steps, and into its new spot, all for the price of the homemade lunch I promised them as an enticement. It out some people will do a lot for a giant sandwich. I've learned I should deal with stress in less bizarre ways going forward—but even if I don't, now I know I have friends who will move a 400-pound piano on a moment's notice.
I think that schools- especially mission-first schools - can have a lot of third space qualities. As you point out with your example of the preschool playdate, it can accelerate the relationship - I have found the same to be the case at the teenage stage- the group projects, the procrastination and disorganization in the group project. As to your question about what do you do in private vs public- my husband and I have been encouraging our bookish/theater son (15) and daughter (17) towards doing some strength training and they are adamant that this cannot be done in public.
Yes! With schools, I think part of the goal has to be making the school a space for fruitful lingering / conviviality when classes are done. In my HS, there were a lot of after school clubs, theater, sports, etc. so it was common to be sticking around when the day was done and to see people you know in a space friendships could deepen.
Okay!! "Biggest ask for acquaintance" -
First in mind is: 10 years ago, (when I had breast cancer for the 1st time) I'd just met a neighbor, and the SAME DAY*, she volunteered to do my laundry for me!!
(Note that we were living at apartments, and she was taking all of it to a laundromat, so that situation involves additional logistical challenges to "do a load of laundry for your neighbor along with your own.")
My great glory** is that I've made some STRANGE, NON-STANDARD asks, and (though it "weirds people out maybe" 30% of the time - oops! :( ) when I get it, (or something similar) it often has VERY strong benefits and makes me feel very LOVED.
* iirc
** in my opinion
I walk my dog about 4 hours a week in our neighbourhood. I feel very lucky to live where I live (it's a high dollar place, a quaint 'Stars Hollow' outside of a large metropolis) - even though I live in a basement suite - but we've been here for 10 years now.
I chat with the dog walkers I see regularly, and after about a year (as an American living in Canada - I am *outgoing* - a year seems like an appropriate wait time, but on the inside it feels 11 months too long. ), I will say something like, "I see you all the time and I should know your name, I'm Sarah"....and then we have more and more chats as time marches on and we see each other. It's the first bridge, and I've met so many people this way and it's relatively low stakes - we KNOW we see each other all the time, but the cordial "morning" never goes anywhere until I make the first move. I've never had anyone else do it for me.
Now I know my friend Sarah (who also works at our grocery store), the runner, Mike, whose dog gets along famously with mine, and on and on. If I see kids outside playing (we have a new family of little kids nearby!) I will introduce myself to mom or dad, show them where I live, tell them about my kids (babysitting age), and gift them a plate of Christmas cookies. These things feel *so small* to me - but I grew up on a super well-connected neighborhood street that I realize was sort of the American ideal. Now, when I tell people (here) about my neighborhood, they say they've *never* lived in a place where neighbors chat to each other. It blows my mind! It took me YEARS to get baby steps with these people. LOL
Just this year, we asked a little girl (10) who lives a few houses down - who also has a dog - if she'd be interested in making some money and taking our dog on a bathroom break and feeding him dinner while we're away skiing on a very long day. She was THRILLED! She took it so seriously, we had them over for an hour so she could ask questions, get to know our dog, learn how our lock worked with a key we'd give her, etc. Now - she was very quiet and reserved before - she'll wave and walk over and talk to us - mom, too.
I suppose every neighbor could be still 'acquaintances' to me, but .. baby steps! LOL
Oh I love what your dog's needs have done for you and your neighbor!