Sep 8, 2022·edited Sep 8, 2022Liked by Leah Libresco Sargeant
As a single man in my mid-twenties, I rejoice in being able to help my married friends by picking up their children from school when mom and dad both have to work, or serving as a sort of spiritual father-figure for kids whose biological father isn’t in the picture anymore. Conversely, because I live alone and am sometimes lonely, my married friends have given me a standing invitation to come over to their houses. They get help with the craziness of raising little kids, and I get companionship and a glimpse into family life which (God-willing) will one day make me a better father and husband than I would be without it.
I'm looking forward to reading these responses because I've struggled with feeling unable to articulate my desire to be depended on. I moved to a new city relatively recently for law school and find the stark lack of any network of care/dependency so isolating. I spend a lot of my time with my academic cohort, and my colleagues really prize self-sufficiency. I've asked friends and peers for help before, but haven't had many opportunities to have anyone need my help, despite a conscious effort to proactively offer it. The "freedom" to be completely in control of my own schedule and concerned about only myself feels more like a prison. I've become more conscious about organizing my days around prayer or the church calendar as a way of freeing myself from so much self-determination.
I'm accustomed to being deeply involved in a church community where others depend on me to serve and pray, but I've found it shockingly challenging to establish roots in a new church community in my new city. Right now, my dating relationship is the place where I can both depend on someone else and be depended on in return. I would really like to get married in the near future, but have received lots of advice from friends that it's not the responsible thing to do while I'm still young and in school. I think many in our culture treat the desire to be depended on skeptically. Maybe this is because of greater awareness of how that desire can be problematic, like codependency that can strain a relationship, but I think there actually is a general sentiment in my circles that having needs that require others (like the need to be depended on) is inherently unhealthy.
In my experience one of the best ways to choose dependence/interdependence is to commit oneself to the slow, meaningful, good work of the world. For me in my twenties it was mentoring students who belonged to, and being part of organizational governance structures for, a fledgling NGO. This meant night meetings, spending my vacations traveling on behalf of this group, and being part of so many long email chains about strategy, mission, etc (and for as much as we bemoan Zoom it would have made those conversations WAY easier!). It's not always fun or exciting! But people cared if I showed up, and in those early days the dependence on each other to chart the formative course was real. There are as many ways to do this as there are people who do it and places where it is needed; join the parish council or the library board, run for city council, mentor someone, start a community garden, the list is literally endless. I've always loved the Buechner quote, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
Controversially, I've found the shift towards a hybrid or virtual work environment to be colossally useful in my/my family's ability to respond to people who need me. I can reshuffle my workload (or take it on the road) in case of things like a birth or death; as long as I meet my deadlines, nobody really cares when the work gets done. But that still only addresses being present or available or leaned-on in major times; I haven't really found a way to do that in minor ones, not lately and not in person.
In college I developed a reputation as the Mom Friend; I usually had a small first-aid kit on hand (very useful when everyone's favourite time to wield X-acto knives is 2am) and something to eat to offer. (Or at least coffee.) I was also a shoulder to lean or cry on if the girl you liked didn't like you back, or dumped you, or liked your friend, or so forth -- but this was all for my peers. The very structure of universities makes it difficult for undergrads to be part of the bigger society around them. I'm really interested to see what other opportunities arise and are suggested; I think the root of some of the lack of interconnectedness, especially for teens, is the car-dependency of most of the US. (Obviously this is a US-centric comment now.) If you can't get to a community event (or need to ask a busy parent for a ride or to use the car), that's certainly possibly a substantial barrier.
There is so much wonderful writing about the policies that will make our world more hospitable for all and encourage the strong social ties we both desire and need! I'm thinking especially of the work of Black feminists, reproductive justice advocates and moral philosophers like Audre Lorde, Angela Davis and bell hooks. We can establish thorough safety nets, encourage strong and non-exploitive relationships, abolish the commoditization and objectification of each other and our world.
But even in that most beautiful future, one that I truly believe we can create, abortion will exist. Or, depending on the speed of technological progress, girls and women will have embryos removed and grown elsewhere.
I *much* prefer that future over one where the state forces people to give birth, penalizes them or their doctors, and/or, in the name of fetal welfare, forces all embryos removed and externally gestated.
As a single man in my mid-twenties, I rejoice in being able to help my married friends by picking up their children from school when mom and dad both have to work, or serving as a sort of spiritual father-figure for kids whose biological father isn’t in the picture anymore. Conversely, because I live alone and am sometimes lonely, my married friends have given me a standing invitation to come over to their houses. They get help with the craziness of raising little kids, and I get companionship and a glimpse into family life which (God-willing) will one day make me a better father and husband than I would be without it.
I'm looking forward to reading these responses because I've struggled with feeling unable to articulate my desire to be depended on. I moved to a new city relatively recently for law school and find the stark lack of any network of care/dependency so isolating. I spend a lot of my time with my academic cohort, and my colleagues really prize self-sufficiency. I've asked friends and peers for help before, but haven't had many opportunities to have anyone need my help, despite a conscious effort to proactively offer it. The "freedom" to be completely in control of my own schedule and concerned about only myself feels more like a prison. I've become more conscious about organizing my days around prayer or the church calendar as a way of freeing myself from so much self-determination.
I'm accustomed to being deeply involved in a church community where others depend on me to serve and pray, but I've found it shockingly challenging to establish roots in a new church community in my new city. Right now, my dating relationship is the place where I can both depend on someone else and be depended on in return. I would really like to get married in the near future, but have received lots of advice from friends that it's not the responsible thing to do while I'm still young and in school. I think many in our culture treat the desire to be depended on skeptically. Maybe this is because of greater awareness of how that desire can be problematic, like codependency that can strain a relationship, but I think there actually is a general sentiment in my circles that having needs that require others (like the need to be depended on) is inherently unhealthy.
In my experience one of the best ways to choose dependence/interdependence is to commit oneself to the slow, meaningful, good work of the world. For me in my twenties it was mentoring students who belonged to, and being part of organizational governance structures for, a fledgling NGO. This meant night meetings, spending my vacations traveling on behalf of this group, and being part of so many long email chains about strategy, mission, etc (and for as much as we bemoan Zoom it would have made those conversations WAY easier!). It's not always fun or exciting! But people cared if I showed up, and in those early days the dependence on each other to chart the formative course was real. There are as many ways to do this as there are people who do it and places where it is needed; join the parish council or the library board, run for city council, mentor someone, start a community garden, the list is literally endless. I've always loved the Buechner quote, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
Controversially, I've found the shift towards a hybrid or virtual work environment to be colossally useful in my/my family's ability to respond to people who need me. I can reshuffle my workload (or take it on the road) in case of things like a birth or death; as long as I meet my deadlines, nobody really cares when the work gets done. But that still only addresses being present or available or leaned-on in major times; I haven't really found a way to do that in minor ones, not lately and not in person.
In college I developed a reputation as the Mom Friend; I usually had a small first-aid kit on hand (very useful when everyone's favourite time to wield X-acto knives is 2am) and something to eat to offer. (Or at least coffee.) I was also a shoulder to lean or cry on if the girl you liked didn't like you back, or dumped you, or liked your friend, or so forth -- but this was all for my peers. The very structure of universities makes it difficult for undergrads to be part of the bigger society around them. I'm really interested to see what other opportunities arise and are suggested; I think the root of some of the lack of interconnectedness, especially for teens, is the car-dependency of most of the US. (Obviously this is a US-centric comment now.) If you can't get to a community event (or need to ask a busy parent for a ride or to use the car), that's certainly possibly a substantial barrier.
There is so much wonderful writing about the policies that will make our world more hospitable for all and encourage the strong social ties we both desire and need! I'm thinking especially of the work of Black feminists, reproductive justice advocates and moral philosophers like Audre Lorde, Angela Davis and bell hooks. We can establish thorough safety nets, encourage strong and non-exploitive relationships, abolish the commoditization and objectification of each other and our world.
But even in that most beautiful future, one that I truly believe we can create, abortion will exist. Or, depending on the speed of technological progress, girls and women will have embryos removed and grown elsewhere.
I *much* prefer that future over one where the state forces people to give birth, penalizes them or their doctors, and/or, in the name of fetal welfare, forces all embryos removed and externally gestated.