I’m experimenting with conversations with other writers and thinkers. I’d love your feedback on how Other Feminisms can incorporate additional voices. And if you’re able to become a paid subscriber to help defray the cost of transcription services, etc, I would very much appreciate it.
When I saw Stephanie Murray of The Atlantic telling the story of her “Baby Swap” on twitter, I knew I wanted to talk to her. Twice a week, Stephanie sends all her kids to another family’s house (or they send their kids to hers) and one set of parents gets a few hours to themselves.
I’ve put together a cleaned up transcript of our conversation here, and the audio and video are embedded in this post. I’ve highlighted two of our exchanges below, and there’s a survey and an homework assignment at the bottom!
Leah:
You got this started during the pandemic, which I think gave people a kind of permission they didn't otherwise had. Everyone knew that the rules were different. It wasn't totally clear what the new rules were, what you get away with, but because it was a crisis, you're allowed to say, will you watch my baby? Can I come to this meeting with my baby?
All these things changed and flexed, but now that the pandemic is over, it's not technically an emergency anymore. And I think it's easy for parents to think, okay, instead of me being able to trust that everyone else also has a problem, now I have a problem. It's a me problem, a personal problem about how I'm parenting.
How would you advise other parents who want what you have to make a small step in this direction without that permission structure of "Everyone knows this is a catastrophe?"
Stephanie:
Somebody else told me this, and I think that it's true: if you offer to do things for other people, it's very hard to get them to actually take you up on the offer. So I do think that asking somebody for help is just a better way of resetting the terms of the relationship.
Instead of hiring a babysitter, pick somebody in your neighborhood and be like, Hey, I'd really like to go out to dinner with my husband or whatever it is, would you mind watching my children? Because even if they say no, and even if they initially think, “Oh, that's weird, why aren't you just getting a babysitter?” It plants this idea in their head.
Leah:
"Oh, is this allowed?"
Stephanie:
Yeah, exactly. She thought that was a normal thing to ask, so why don't I think it was a normal thing to ask?
Leah:
Have there been moments where either of you in your baby swaps have needed something much bigger than the baby swap where it felt natural to ask each other?
Stephanie:
Right now, one of the people in this baby swap, the person that I started with initially, she just had her third child and she has to go to London to get the baby's passport. And so she just asked me, can you just take my kids for the night?
I guess maybe not huge things, but that doesn't feel huge to me anymore.
And so I ask you: if you have kids, do you have someone locally who could watch them overnight on short notice?
And your homework is….
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