When I saw Stephanie's thread on twitter originally I knew it would interest you, Leah -- thank you so much for this longer conversation! We have some neighbors we love and would (and have!) watched our kids for short periods of time -- and now that our kids are a little older, they just bounce from house to house and have a blast. I honestly never want to move out of our house because of how much I love our little community. I want everyone to have that!
I had a dishwasher repair guy working at our house recently (praise God, we finally have a working dishwasher again after a month and a half) and it was time to pick up my daughter from school. I called a friend who lives two blocks away and asked if she could come over in ten minutes, so I could leave and come back without leaving the dishwasher repair guy in my house by himself. She came right over with her one year old and said I could leave my one year old home to play instead of bringing him with for pickup. So I did. It was great!
We moved to be next door to cousins, and it’s kind of a middle zone between family and friend. We do a lot of kid swapping, plus just the fact that they run as a herd helps everyone. I think what I’ve realized is that if we are both looking for ways to be helpful, it all evens out. I am so prone to feeling guilty for accepting help, but it’s becoming more clear to me that it’s an uneven sort of reciprocity. For example, this week she was able to take my kids to co-op with her while I was sick (but that’s not a big deal since I sent the self sufficient ones and they just had to run next door. Still a huge help) and then they made dinner for us. But she just had a baby this past summer so we made dinner several times and I’ve regularly run over home remedies or other things, we’ve watched the animals while they traveled etc… I can offer something when I have a bit more bandwidth as can she, and there’s not really a point to comparing. I also realize that there are different things that are more or less stressful to each of us and community helps to offset some of that. The point is that it has relieved me in many ways of the need to make things “even” although accepting help is still something I struggle to do gracefully.
Yesss, I've been campaigning for my BIL to move out near us, but they currently colive with another young family and are (reasonably!) happy where they are.
This conversation is so wonderful and so timely. I’ve had baby swapping on the brain for quite some time, and just last night decided who I’ll ask. Then I woke up to see this—what a great reminder nudge.
"This text was code for: 'Our combined eight children scattered to the far corners of the house the minute you walked out the door and have been playing happily ever since—I’m drinking coffee at my kitchen table alone.'"
The internet is a small world! I've been a fan of you since your work at CFAR and love your conversion story. My wife sent the 8 < 5 message; she and I are good friends of Meredith and we're literally the family that swaps in her post.
Yes I love this and have been trying to lean into this idea with our duplex neighbors. In my experience being the one to ask for help first goes a long way. I just asked for a date night tonight and her response was “of course! Can you watch them for parent teacher conferences.”
One question - a few teenagers live next door and have mentioned babysitting. It seems like the relationship would be a little different And paying them would be expected?
We pay some local teens. I think either arrangement can work depending on how the family thinks of it.
A teen who was watched for free as a little kid by local teens might rightly be participating in a chain of community favors by watching other kids when she’s older.
I feel like this poll question is yet another one where I go, "Oh yeah, not everybody has as awesome a church as I do!" Thanks for the reminder that what I have is a treasure and a gift.
Also, I love the way you put the question, asking for something without proposing an exchange. I was just talking about this with a friend, that it’s super hard for people to ask for / receive help unless there’s like a plan for how it will be made “even.” Maybe it’s worse here in small town Midwest farm country? Everyone is willing to help others, but it’s difficult for people to receive (without feeling like they owe the person something back now).
A friend and I started doing this a few years ago, swapping kids. It’s always been planned, but it’s a (free!) way to give each other space to do a date night or get things done around the house. It’s usually 3ish hours and it’s amazing! For last minute watching of kids that’s short (like running to pick up a big kid while a little is napping) I’ve asked my neighbor. For other times, we would ask my parents or brothers, who live in the same small town. I’ve never asked for a not-much-notice overnight but I love the conversation! We need support like this with care/parenting normalized!
Yes and thank goodness. I had a baby over Thanksgiving week and had to rely on both family and friends to help out with the other kids as my main person who was going to handle it didn’t arrive on time. Many hands made it easier on all; no one did the entire time.
I feel like I cheated on the poll because I have family nearby. I have friends I could ask too but it would feel harder.
It’s the traditional solution! And we’re lobbying for it.
When I saw Stephanie's thread on twitter originally I knew it would interest you, Leah -- thank you so much for this longer conversation! We have some neighbors we love and would (and have!) watched our kids for short periods of time -- and now that our kids are a little older, they just bounce from house to house and have a blast. I honestly never want to move out of our house because of how much I love our little community. I want everyone to have that!
I had a dishwasher repair guy working at our house recently (praise God, we finally have a working dishwasher again after a month and a half) and it was time to pick up my daughter from school. I called a friend who lives two blocks away and asked if she could come over in ten minutes, so I could leave and come back without leaving the dishwasher repair guy in my house by himself. She came right over with her one year old and said I could leave my one year old home to play instead of bringing him with for pickup. So I did. It was great!
We moved to be next door to cousins, and it’s kind of a middle zone between family and friend. We do a lot of kid swapping, plus just the fact that they run as a herd helps everyone. I think what I’ve realized is that if we are both looking for ways to be helpful, it all evens out. I am so prone to feeling guilty for accepting help, but it’s becoming more clear to me that it’s an uneven sort of reciprocity. For example, this week she was able to take my kids to co-op with her while I was sick (but that’s not a big deal since I sent the self sufficient ones and they just had to run next door. Still a huge help) and then they made dinner for us. But she just had a baby this past summer so we made dinner several times and I’ve regularly run over home remedies or other things, we’ve watched the animals while they traveled etc… I can offer something when I have a bit more bandwidth as can she, and there’s not really a point to comparing. I also realize that there are different things that are more or less stressful to each of us and community helps to offset some of that. The point is that it has relieved me in many ways of the need to make things “even” although accepting help is still something I struggle to do gracefully.
Yesss, I've been campaigning for my BIL to move out near us, but they currently colive with another young family and are (reasonably!) happy where they are.
This conversation is so wonderful and so timely. I’ve had baby swapping on the brain for quite some time, and just last night decided who I’ll ask. Then I woke up to see this—what a great reminder nudge.
Tell us how it goes!
This reminds me of Meredith Hind's brief post "8 < 5" which explains the same sort of idea!
https://stilltoday.substack.com/p/8-5
And I'm just chuckling and identifying with the desperation and low standards, low stakes approach.
Ha! This is so true:
"This text was code for: 'Our combined eight children scattered to the far corners of the house the minute you walked out the door and have been playing happily ever since—I’m drinking coffee at my kitchen table alone.'"
The internet is a small world! I've been a fan of you since your work at CFAR and love your conversion story. My wife sent the 8 < 5 message; she and I are good friends of Meredith and we're literally the family that swaps in her post.
Yes I love this and have been trying to lean into this idea with our duplex neighbors. In my experience being the one to ask for help first goes a long way. I just asked for a date night tonight and her response was “of course! Can you watch them for parent teacher conferences.”
One question - a few teenagers live next door and have mentioned babysitting. It seems like the relationship would be a little different And paying them would be expected?
We pay some local teens. I think either arrangement can work depending on how the family thinks of it.
A teen who was watched for free as a little kid by local teens might rightly be participating in a chain of community favors by watching other kids when she’s older.
I feel like this poll question is yet another one where I go, "Oh yeah, not everybody has as awesome a church as I do!" Thanks for the reminder that what I have is a treasure and a gift.
Also, I love the way you put the question, asking for something without proposing an exchange. I was just talking about this with a friend, that it’s super hard for people to ask for / receive help unless there’s like a plan for how it will be made “even.” Maybe it’s worse here in small town Midwest farm country? Everyone is willing to help others, but it’s difficult for people to receive (without feeling like they owe the person something back now).
I will plug Leah's own piece fleshing out some of this idea, if you haven't read it already: https://comment.org/the-intimacy-of-imbalance/
A friend and I started doing this a few years ago, swapping kids. It’s always been planned, but it’s a (free!) way to give each other space to do a date night or get things done around the house. It’s usually 3ish hours and it’s amazing! For last minute watching of kids that’s short (like running to pick up a big kid while a little is napping) I’ve asked my neighbor. For other times, we would ask my parents or brothers, who live in the same small town. I’ve never asked for a not-much-notice overnight but I love the conversation! We need support like this with care/parenting normalized!
Yes and thank goodness. I had a baby over Thanksgiving week and had to rely on both family and friends to help out with the other kids as my main person who was going to handle it didn’t arrive on time. Many hands made it easier on all; no one did the entire time.